Sunday, March 1, 2009

Week Eight / Day One

Perspective.

I have begun to discern the difference ... the nuanced difference ... between the deep, profound and painful separation from someone so dear to me and the deep, profound and painful separation from the entire rest of my life.  

Ah, Enlightenment.

When, late at night or in the bright glare of day, that deep loneliness would rise to envelope me; I have been labeling it with the name of The Man I Miss So Much. That's a lot of pressure to put on one, precious thing.  I am seeing, now, the myriad striations of the Entity that is Loneliness. Separating each from the others - or beginning to do so - is making each and all easier to appreciate, evaluate and in time even eradicate most of them...I believe.

I have relocated many, many times in my life. Including my childhood, the longest I've lived anywhere has been the twelve years in Manhattan, preceded closely by the eleven years in San Francisco. Prior to that, including the house in which I was born (well, the house in which my parents lived when I was born), I lived in eight different towns before I was eighteen. Since graduating college (having studied on four, different campuses, including a floating one), I've lived in seven more cities; all prior to Melbourne. So, there's been some movin'...

Each time I've moved, except for the-longest-year-of-my-life in Orlando, I've moved to a place where I had friends, already in place. Not since leaving for college have I arrived somewhere, knowing absolutely no one. Hm: that might explain some of the sense of dislocation and separation I feel, on regular occasion.

Intellectually, I know that much of this will pass; and, I am beginning to believe that this is true. Much of it...and the other, I think I will come to learn to be able to live with without it becoming so often debilitating in it's effects. Separation from some things...one person...I doubt I'll ever find myself completely at ease. Thus, we enter the realm of trust and faith and allowing things to be as they are until one can once again hold One close in one's arms.

Wow, the drugs are really kicking in, this afternoon...

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I understand things are more and more grim, back home, with respect to the economy and people losing their jobs...that things are likely to get a little worse before they get better; but that, in the opinion of most, Better doth loom on the horizon. I hope so.

All the more reason, though, for me to be glad I am here, and very glad to be working at something at which I am good and for which there is a need. With each passing week, it becomes more clear that this is a time of portent for my company. Unique opportunities are surfacing, rapidly and regularly; opportunities which the company can embrace, due to the fact of my presence and the ability to secure the projects and deliver them above expectation. I think, by the end of this year, that we will be in a position of very healthy growth.

Speaking of job loss; I heard a new term, last week. I was interviewing a woman for a position with our company, and she was explaining that Friday was her last day at her former position: that her position had been "disestablished." Damn! That sounds pretty complete, as though the position had been erased from history!

It isn't all the proverbial bed of roses, at my company, though. In fact, I'm seeing the bloom begin to fade in one area, in particular. As things in the office began to get rocky, and at a critical juncture, I did finally pull out The Olde Kile. Once.

There was a time, as some may recall, when "forceful" or "aggressive" might have been seen as my modus operandi; but, I tread much more softly, these days... This is something which, I think, may have come with the confidence that I actually do know what I'm doing and am exceptionally good at it...I don't really need to prove or force anyone to accept it.

Meanwhile, in all things, I shall be striving for Patience and Clarity.  Light a candle for me...

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Week Seven / Day One

Early Monday morning, I looked off my balcony and saw that the balloons were back...  A little googling reveals that this is a Regular Thing; Sunrise Balloon Tours (breakfast optional) over Melbourne or the nearby Yarra Valley...Australia's Napa.  When the first of my from-home guests finally visits; this is most definitely on the agenda...

Looking at this photo, one can see that the air remains colored with the smoke and smell from the Bush Fires...an evocative and apt metaphor for the Australian people and the effect these fires have had.

From when I first moved to Manhattan, from the-longest-year-of-my-life, in Orlando, I could exit my building, turn right on 49th, then downtown on 8th Avenue and -- looking down that vast canyon of concrete-and-steel -- hear some small part of me say, "Damn, Kile...you are living in effing New York!" That kid within me, born in an arid, Southern California suburb and raised in the mountains of Oregon, was ongoingly a little amazed that he'd put himself in that city and was actually living there...

Years before that, on April 15, 1979, as I drove across the Bay Bridge on the clearest day in creation with the shimmering clarity of San Francisco filling my vision, I felt a trepidation-free exhilaration as I saw the City where I would sow the seeds of my future...whatever that might be.  

Ah, had I known what lay before me, would I have been as thrilled?  I think so; despite some very dark and sad years, that is where I found and have, still, my "post-nuclear" family of friends...and that is where I found the freedom to become whatever man I am.  There was powerful love and profound loss awaiting me, there; and it has gone into making me that man...or the man I am yet becoming.

Even before that, I so clearly remember the drive away from Washington, DC, after graduating from Georgetown - the spires of that institution filling my rear-view mirror and the strains of the Four Season's "Dawn" pouring from the radio as I crossed Key Bridge on my way to Florida and my first Professional Adventure aboard Semester at Sea...  I knew my life was set and the future was secure as I launched myself forward, unhesitatingly, into a future that, as it turned out, has had no small amount of surprise and insecurity for me.

The view from this tightrope can be awesome, inspirational and clear...and, so far, survivable.

So, I've learned most certainly that nothing is forever, nothing can be successfully manipulated, virtually nothing is predictable; and therein lies the adventure.

So, as I look outside my window, as I absorb each night's sunset off my balcony, at some point it occurs to me that that is Australia, out there. Right outside my door is a country larger than the US with only 3 times the population of New York City.  The space is sweeping and virtually boundless, the culture is open and welcoming, the opportunity for me is expansive.

And I am so damned lonely.

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Change of subject:

On Monday, I returned to the gym, Day One of ramping up for competition in Physique at the Cologne Gay Games in 2010.  Discovering bodybuilding at "an advanced age" has changed my life, immensely, for the better.  With a 9-month lead time, in 2005/6, I managed a bronze medal while Directing the fracking ceremonies at the same time.  This time, I think I have a chance to do even better than that.  ...Cooked my First Week's 16 Chicken breasts, yesterday, and am ready to rock...

Got my first Australian haircut: not bad at all.  Amy, to whom I shall return for this monthly grooming, does have the best fingernails in the world, making that shampoo an experience that borders on the illegal; she managed to trim me up, just fine. And, she shared with me what will be this week's Featured Strine:

"...a face like a dropped pie."   [I LOVE that!]

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I finally bit the proverbial bullet and bought a washer and dryer, this week. There is no Laundry Culture, here. Since discovering, in college, that one can take in a bag of laundry, pay about US$20.00 and have one's stuff returned, all clean and folded and wrapped in blue paper, ready to restock the dresser; that has been my habit.

Well, they don't do that, here.  Last month, I took my stuff in to a laundry and, about a hundred dollars later, got it back with, quite literally, everything ironed and on hangars.  I mean EVERYTHING.  Even my t-shirts were ironed and on cardboard-protected hangars, ready for display. That's a mistake that won't be made, twice.

The fact is that Oz doesn't have the pool of low-paid workers to support some of what are, in fact, luxuries that we enjoy in other parts of the world. I'd never really considered this at that level.  Here, most working people actually earn a living wage...of sorts.  Waiters don't work for tips, commission on store sales is very rare, and the Service Culture doesn't exist as we might know it.  So, there is no one living on a cot and sleeping six to a room to wash and fold my underwear for next-to-nothing. Looking at it from that point of view...

Well, I bought a washing machine and did laundry, all afternoon, yesterday. No prob.  Happy to do it.

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I had dinner, this week, with the man who first brought me into the world of themed entertainment and theme parks.  [Well, over and above the fact that my entire life has been themed and scored, I suppose; Phil made it Official!]

As he was filling me in on the State of the Business Back Home and Worldwide, and sharing the multiple stories of lost business and cancelled projects, salary and staff cutbacks and concomitant shedding of anything and any personnel that most projects and companies might do without; I realized, again, that I am likely in the right place and lucky to be here.  I have the chance, here, to build something and enjoy some (very small amount of) financial security, here, while this Global Recalibration takes place.  I do like the work, and see great possibility for this company and -- if successful -- for me, when it is done.

Were I still in the US, things would likely be pretty grim for me, about now, as every single one of the companies and opportunities I had been pursuing and courting are undergoing great difficulties. Professionally, I should be where I am.

Daily, though, I awaken with the awareness that I am risking the very most important thing to me. This would likely be at great risk, even were I in the States, given the economic climate and state of the business; but, being so distant from where my heart lives leaves such a chasm of desperation within me. The zen of it is that I must discipline myself to accept my impotence, my inability to make things be any way other than how they are, and to accept that if that which gives my heart reason to beat is to survive this separation, it will survive the distance and the time and perhaps be all the more rich, for having done so.

Trust and Hope without Desperation.  Gonna be NEEDING some damn zen!

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Week Six / Day One

On Tuesday Morning, in Perth, I was awakened by the brightest of full moons, flooding my room with light so bright it seemed supernatural.  From the balcony, the shimmering reflection of the lunar orb lay a diamond-like pathway across the Swan River to the sparse lights of the slumbering city on the far bank.  I was compelled to rise and attempt to capture an image; though, it cannot communicate the breathtaking clarity of the cloudless, starless, light-filled, glowing darkness and the hushed peacefulness of the early morning...not a hint of sun.

I spent the week in Perth, being introduced to and becoming initially familiar with both the home town of my employer and the wealth of clients our company enjoys in that city.  It is truly the base for the national and global expansion we intend to manifest, starting about now...

One long-time client is Curtin University, with campuses in Perth, Singapore, Hong Kong and beyond.  Twice a year, they do several, successive evening ceremonies in order to graduate the 2,000+ students in each cycle.  As one can see from the photos, above, the campus has a distinctly Stanford-esque feel to it; it's quite expansive and beautiful, with widely disparate, international student body.

This company has been running their graduation ceremonies for about ten years, and I think there is definitely room for upgrading what takes place, therein.  Our relationship is strong, there, and I'd like to present some concepts for gently smoothing out and making these more ceremonial and compelling.  One thing they do, though, that I've never seen at a graduation, before, is fireworks at the end: love that! Those who know my history will know that pyro resonates with me, from the very roots of my Creative Production Being and Soul.  Gotta get my hands on this ceremony!

Meanwhile, I was kind of touched and honored to learn, and see, that the film shown at the beginning of each ceremony used as model the film and storytelling techniques I used in the creation of my films for Stanford University in 2002.  It was great to see evidence that these techniques might be applied to the telling of any institution's story, anywhere...  I was quietly honored to see this work!

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The people of Australia are suffering, tremendously, at the effect of these Bush Fires. I'm not alone in assessing this as akin to our Katrina, the Tsunami, or even 9/11 in the profound affect this disaster is having on the emotions and psyche of most every Aussie individual.  It's awful, really.  One of the fires is nearly 100 kilometres across. Inconceivable.

One of my associates, here in Melbourne, is a Volunteer Fireman.  He was one of the first men into one of the central, most devastated areas; with the job of sifting through wreckage to assess damage, thus to find any number of charred remains in places and positions that spoke volumes as to the last moments of these victims of the thundering inferno.  He has come into work, but is visibly shaken by the experience.  

The country and the world have been quick to rally and support; and the amount of monies raised pretty spectacular.  That being said, I believe it will be quite a while before this is all cleaned up, and lifetimes before many families will have recovered from the damage.  The effects will likely never completely fade.

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Strine of the Week:

chinwag - "getting together for a chinwag" = meaty chat.

toweled up = drunk

hold fire = stand by

NQR = Not Quite Right (this may be universal, I hadn't heard that acronym, before)

A note on Aussie egalitarianism...

This perspective on all beings being equal, irrespective of position in life, here in Oz. While a person is respected for position - policeman, minister, government official, et cetera - there exists a refreshing (and sometimes fierce) absence of hierarchy in day-to-day life, out of the workplace.  Manifest most obviously in grabbing a taxi: if one is solo, one sits in the front, with the driver, moving to the back seat only as the party grows to two or more...  No one is "better" than anyone else, here, as a practice and cultural POV.

A note on natural resources...

There has been a longtime, multi-year drought in most of Australia... I find it curious that the parched cities of the South have not been able to avail themselves of the overabundance of water in the North, year-after-year.  Piped water has done so much (and, in some cases, too much) for some of the desert areas, at home.  I wonder why this isn't done, here.

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Last weekend was the St. Kilda Festival - the final weekend of Melbourne's Midsumma. It seems the entire city takes part in these festivities; and it was a blast.  Mostly street fair and beach fest, with four performance stages, it was rockin' even with the threat of rain.  Interestingly, all outdoor activities are an alcohol-free zone; making for a pretty darn considerate and friendly crowd.  I took the opportunity to wander around with two friends of mine from San Francisco (one Aussie, one San Franciscan), catch up with them and get a Cultural Tour and Temporarty ExPat Orientation.

The final photo, above, was taken during the festival; Luna Park is an iconic Themed Amusement Park, right on the water.  I like the entrance: a little surreal, even a little scary, depending on how one feels about Clowns....

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I am in a calmer place with the distance that the Keeper of My Heart lives from me.  We continue to get to know one another on more philosophical, intellectual and other oblique levels as we speak with one another by way of iChat, each week.  He is a bit of an anchor for me as I negotiate some of the finer points of the business, here; with a point of view borne of years of successfully navigating the corporate morass.  His advice is good, and has proven useful...

The periodic texts that appear from him, the weekly episodes of "Battlestar Galactica," and these face-to-face conversations act as both reminders that he loves and cares for me and as relief valves that ease my own periodic insecurities.  I am learning to accept the disparities in our styles of communication - being an overcommunicator, myself - and becoming comfortable with What Is rather than seeking to have things be some "ideal" way.  What is, is Ideal, actually.  

He's there; and I am in his heart as he is in mine.  As I pull the covers over my shoulder, each night, I say "goodnight..." to him and close my eyes.  It's enough for me....for now.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Week Five/Day One

Yesterday, the temperature hit 116 degrees!  The day was surreal, feeling like a post-apocalyptic blast furnace as the air became hotter and hotter...  The sky at the horizon was murky and heavy with particulate as it loomed closer and closer through the early afternoon; the hazy, heated wind picked up, bashing the windows and groaning down completely empty city streets with powerful gusts...  The only things missing were tumbleweeds and dust devils.

Then, at about 6pm, the rain hit for just a few moments and everything cooled off...  

I had gone outside for about .005 seconds to go to the store, and turned right back around; that's why we keep cans of tuna and boxes of crackers handy! That's about as close to cremation as I'd like to get for about 50 more years...

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Wednesday, on my way to work, there were four hot air balloons hovering over the awakening city.  It was a peaceful and quietly arresting sight, this.  I don't think I've ever seen those over anything but desert or forest.  Seeing these balloons over Melbourne, I thought, "...this must be what they do with their hot air, rather than elect it to office..."

The trams, here, are perfectly timed to support the Zen of Commuting.  The tram to which one is about to transfer is invariably timed to cross the path of the tram one is on and depart the stop immediately before one alights to catch it.  This is a city, not in a hurry.  Useless to resist; it is assuredly a lesson in going with the Proverbial Flow.

They don't have flies, here in Oz; they have Fly.  There is, always, only One. Never a swarm or a few or even two; just one.  He sees you, claims you as his friend and makes certain that you know he will never leave your side...or nose...or ear...or his perch on your glasses.  Fly.  Shoo.

(When do they mate, Mate?)

One can rent DVD's all over the place, here.  Grocery stores, convenience stores, little shops everywhere, all have a corner or a rack of DVD rentals and their own, singular system of checking them out.  I haven't actually seen a Blockbuster, yet, but I have seen the fobs on a key chain or two.  Pretty much no matter where one is, during a journey home, if the mood strikes to rent a movie, there's probably a movie to be rented, nearby.

I had a birthday, this week; my first in a foreign land since 1972.  I'm a lot further down the road than might be considered "usual" for one to undertake such a major overhaul of one's life.  Feeling the absence of all that I have left behind and yearning so much to be able to again be close to, at least, one deeply important part of it as this test is passed; I spent and spend a lot of time, simply thinking, seeking and examining what lessons are here, for me.

I know this is about learning something important, and making a turn in my life that will make sense and yield value for more than simply myself as this experience takes root and germinates into whatever evolution awaits.  I was told by my psychic (hey, I'm from California; it's the law, there!), about 15 years ago, that the first half of my life would be about learning, and the second half about teaching.  I've certainly been smacked around enough, since 1990, and especially these past 12 in New York, to have had the opportunity to learn much.  Time to take that cornucopia of experience, be clear on cause and effect, and live accordingly.

I have been brought to Australia to do some heavy lifting; and there is a lot of heavy lifting to do if I am to accomplish what I have been asked to accomplish. The lay of the land is a bit different than I had seen it to be, coming in.  I believe I can rise to this occasion, though, and make a success of this.  The potential is here for me to bring into being the evolved company that I have been invited to create; and the unforeseen hurdles cannot be allowed to obstruct and derail what is truly possible.

I believe I can do this, if I remain intently focused on the goal, the mission, and remain aware that I am here because of the way I do what I do to get the results I get.  I've made the mistake, before, of entering a context wherein I have been asked to do what I do, but do it the way a company or organization already does it; and I do know that does not work.  This is going to be a very tough year in nearly every respect; though, at the other end of this path, I think we will realize quite a bright and profitable future...and make a significant difference to the way people experience Experience, in the process.

If it were easy, everyone would do it.  I've been invited to bite off a lot and, while it may be daunting, it is chewable.  This will be a year of determination, grit, focus, trust, trial, assiduous work and relentless pressure...and underneath it will be the ongoing yearning to hear the beat of a heart that lives in a chest, to feel the comfort of a pair of arms that live in Manhattan.

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By the way, anyone considering a "CARE Package;"

Quaker Oats (original)

Q-Tips

Hempz Lotion

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PostScript on Departure from New York

My final 24 hours in New York were acute, disorienting and disjointed.  The night before, I had arranged for he and I to stay in a little suite at the Barclay; knowing that a final night in my bare-walled apartment, inhabited by only a sofa and chair, would not be quite the way I'd want us to build a memory of that night.

I had imagined a long, romantic and passionate evening and night, together.

As it turned out, the aura of trepidation that permeated the air we breathed, that night, heightened our shared sense of impending loss.  Though we tried, unsuccessfully, to lighten the mood; the night we experienced was long and sad.  I don't think either of us really slept; holding one another close, head against chest, deep in our own thoughts of Tomorrow.  Sadness.

The morning held a tone of tautness much like the surface tension that holds water inside a slightly-too-full glass before it breaks and pours down the side.  Each step in the process of awakening, rising from bed, showering and dressing was another moment of movement toward the door that would close behind him as he was to leave for work.  I will never, ever forget holding him, still wet from the shower, as the emotion was simply too much to bear silently, any longer...

Then, he left...

Occasionally, during the day, we would text one another; brief, meaningless notes the sole purpose of which was, I think, to reassure ourselves that the other was still there... The day was a virtual fog for me; a few, friendly goodbyes and I finally just went back to the hotel and stared at the ceiling for two or three hours until I could leave for the airport.  

Checking in at Terminal 4, I found a quiet corner of the "Executive Lounge" to read and await my flight.  I was so low.

After an hour or so, another text arrived, from him, "...how's the Admiral's Club?"  "I'm not in the Admiral's Club," I texted back, "I'm on Singapore Airlines at Terminal 4...but, I'm doing okay...I miss you..."  "Ah, 'The Oasis'," he texted.  "I gather you've Googled it," I sent.  Then the phone was quiet for a while, until, "I've seen better artwork on dive bar doors..." arrived, to which I responded "oh, you've been here, then..."  "'Been' would imply the past tense," came back.  "ARE YOU HERE??!!"

I got up, shot out the door, and there he was with that wonderful, sweet smile on his face, standing against a banister and holding a small, Tiffany bag.  I could not get my arms around him, fast enough.  "I just didn't want this morning to have been our last memory," he said.  "We mean so much to each other that that just could not be how we left it."

I brought him back inside and we sat and just spoke quietly for about half an hour. The love was just powerful, between us.  I barely remember the conversation, as I was simply so elated to see him...speech was purely secondary.  I was so thrilled he was there, close, warm, real.  

As my flight time approached, he said, "I can't stay here 'til they announce your flight..I couldn't stand that..."  "I know, I do know..."  

We stood and kissed, and held one another closely, tightly...I concentrated on feeling every part of him, hearing him breathe in my ear, his skin on my cheek.  I walked him out; we held and kissed, again, said Goodbye and I Love You, and turned away.

By the time I sat back down, his text said, "...the tears are already here."

Nobody sees people off at JFK.  Nobody.  

(In the bag? Tiffany cufflinks.)