Wha'?! Whoa! Not Quite So Fast...!

Who
Knew
I
Had
So
Much
POWER!?

No sooner do I write down that I want to return to San Francisco in the future than the Universe aligns, a CFO is fired, a comfortably risk-bearing surplus is revealed to be a crippling deficit, a board of directors panics, all of my programs for the 50th Anniversary are cancelled or drastically cut back...and I am out of a job, in January.

Ah, I know this road, well.

I suppose I could have been more clear in articulating that I wanted to return to SF with a JOB......and in 2012......but, hey, I appreciate the Responsiveness! 'Tis good to know I can have this effect. Now, to learn to control my powers and be sure to use them only for good...mostly.

I was there nearly a year, long enough to have a positive effect; we managed to get some good films produced and created quite a bump in traffic to the website with initiatives created around our Launch. There was so much time and effort spent, though, laying the groundwork for some pretty fantastic, expansive stuff that, now, will simply never be realized; leaving me to wrestle with myself and my inclination to interpret the futility as a personal failure.

Is this a Male Thing, this perception of Personal Failure? Natural; or only something I do to myself? I skirt that dark, black hole, staying far back to avoid slipping again into that abyss. But, to be candid, I am not feeling the pull from it that I've felt, before. The past three years have shown me my own resilience, and the past several months have actually served more to strengthen my confidence in myself and my work than not.

I think I'll be fine.

Coincidentally, about a month ago, during a visit to the Genius Bar at Apple Soho, my old manager asked if I'd be interested in returning, part-time. At that moment, I jumped at the opportunity to immerse myself again in that culture of articulate integrity, of intelligence and aggressive, open teamwork without the sluggishness, the bureaucracy and paranoia of the iconic non-profit.

I went in to do the paperwork, last week, and it was a virtual love-fest on the floor. "I hear you're coming back; that's fantastic?" "There has been a hole in my heart since you left us..." "Dude! You're gonna be back with us...!" That place was so good for my transitional head, last time; who knows what it will be and where it will lead, now?

I only wish I could support myself in that environment; or that the environments wherein I might support myself were more universally representative of such a positive culture. Ah, well; we shall see where this all leads...

So, I'm looking bi-coastally; here and in SF. The only way I would leave NYC would be with an actual job in SF, and I don't see that happening in the near future. Google is seeking an Executive Producer of their NYC Creative Lab to which I have applied (they really should snap me up!), another local production company wants me to meet the rest of their production team after the first of the year with some creative work in mind, I've put out some feelers to and around both Cities in the few days I had before the Holiday hit.

But, ain't nothin' gonna happen over Christmas; so the CV is re-written, I have a fire in the fireplace in my great Chelsea-adjacent apartment, the gym is three blocks away and I'm using this time to rest and regenerate...and prepare for what the Universe may yet have in store...

Dear Universe:

On this Christmas Day, I'm saying that I want work that makes a difference to people's lives, structures to build that can support those who need support, aid or service, stories to tell that can move and inspire others, experiences to create that can immerse people, connect them to one another and reawaken feelings and memories perhaps thought lost; compelling them to reach out...I want to add value.

and, I wouldn't mind being paid for it.

World AIDS Day Eve - 2010

I made a decision, yesterday evening...

On the eve of World AIDS Day, a beautiful experience was offered at the National AIDS Memorial Grove in San Francisco's Golden Gate Park. As the gloaming receded into night, I arrived at the top of The Grove and walked toward the little tent that housed the check-in table. As I approached, one of the greeters put out his hand. Taking it, I said "hello, my name's Kile Oz..." and he said, "KILE OZIER!? It's great to meet you!" Then took me over to table to get my name tag...

This does not happen to me, in New York.

The Grove was magic. As one walked the winding pathway, down through the trees and into the embracing quiet, one passed through beautifully lit, natural architecture of the lush foliage. Along the pathway, flashlight bearing volunteers would quietly greet...smiling gently, completely welcoming and unobtrusive...allowing the Grove to cast its spell...

I felt my pulse grow more quiet as I neared the floor of the glen. Turning toward the Circle of Friends, where Terry's name is engraved in the stone along with hundreds of others lost to this relentless virus, I was immersed in the rediscovery of a place I know already so well. Seeing this in darkness, looking ahead at individuals lighting and placing candles on the names of their loved ones, lost...deep emotions began to flow to the surface.

The quiet was palpable, the whispers of the others were distantly intimate, the scene was almost surreal, magical, loving, moving... I was given my candle, lit it from the flame in the hand of a friend and walked to where Terry's name waited. Placing this glowing tribute to my deeply felt loss at my feet, I looked anew at the names that wound from the tower of crystal and flame at the center of the circle.

I realized that I personally knew most of the men whose names start the circle and initiate the flow of memorial around and around the center...it's a virtual timeline of my own past. Friends with whom I laughed, labored, loved, lurked, launched scores of youthful adventures in this town where we discovered ourselves; not knowing that discovery would steal so many from our midst...

The words of one of my favorite songs came to mind,
"My brother lived in San Francisco
He said he'd finally found his place,
And when I go to San Francisco,
Everywhere I look, I see his face..."

Continuing on through the Grove to the Meadow, past a stone-filled brook flowing with a river of blue light, past sparkling evergreens, glowing movement among the trees, hanging candles and lovingly lit memorials, I arrived at the tent...

This big, completely clear, crystalline, glittering tent that was filled with friends.

One after another, I encountered men and women I have not seen in five, ten, some even fifteen years or more. Other survivors from the trenches of the early years, other fighters of the fight, caregivers, doctors and nurses, friends I've held as they cried, friends who've held me as I've cried...our faces were alight with joy of seeing one another, almost gleeful surprise at recognition and reconnection.

I can't describe the feeling that grew inside me as people would recognize me and exclaim or call-out and we'd grab one another to simply FEEL one another. It has been a very long time since I have felt so welcomed, so much a part of something good and greater, so surrounded by people who know and care...so surrounded by friends...so at home.

People would pass by and just reach out and grab my shoulder and squeeze, or we'd hug one another and hold on for an extra moment, two...really feeling one another and whispering in each other's ears..."how ARE you...? ...it's SO good to see you..." Sotto voce declarations of deeply felt mutual welcome and appreciation.

We've been through the worst of times, together. We've watched our City go from Paradise to Bleak Darkness...and planted seeds of renewal that are coming to fruition only now... Some of us have left and some of us have stayed, but we were all together, last night.

During the program, I just looked around. This City is just big enough to be a City, just small enough that when that scourge came down on us, we were one army, no factions. We who've made it through are seasoned and lined, but the smiles remain...or have returned.

I have history, here. I realized what a part of this City I am, and what a profound part of who I am is due to this city and my experience, here. I realize how much I sense I belong, here in San Francisco.

My work with Amnesty International is scheduled to continue until early 2012. When I am finished; I'm coming home.

Wednesday Morning, I Awoke in Paris...

…after two intense days at the meeting of the Amnesty International Global Communications Group, during which I presented the plans for messaging, talent management, communications strategy and the vision for our national action to take place during our 50^th Anniversary Year, in 2011.

It was a dark and rainy, Parisian day. The taxi arrived and we left in the shiny blackness for Charles de Gaulle.  As we splashed through the shining streets of the City of Light and I watched the awakening metropolis pass my window, I had to wonder at the changes my life has undergone during this past year since returning from Australia.

A week prior, I’d flown to San Francisco on my monthly advance trip for our expanded, public conference, taking place in March of next year. The fact that next year’s conference is in that city is no accident, as San Francisco is one of the founding cities of Amnesty International USA; though it is serendipitous, as that is where my adult life and true career began. That is my heart’s hometown; there, I am able to do my job significantly easier, as I still hold fond and familiar keys to many a door, there.

On Saturday, I flew through Dallas, arriving in Paris on Sunday morning. I reconnoitered with my co-worker in a long walk along the Seine, deep in conversation about the work of the coming year, then returned to my room to work until late.

Now, after having been welcomed to the conversation and finding my concepts for some of the major events of the coming year embraced by nearly 20 other countries with commitments to join, expand and participate, I was on my way back to New York. Though the flight was to land at 2pm, the mini-gauntlet would not yet have been over; as there still remained a 60-minute drive to Garrison to present the same concepts to an in-house group, then back to NYC in the evening.

I slept well, that night.

I have a great job as Executive Producer for Amnesty International USA’s 50^th Anniversary Project: media, talent management, communications and all major events from December 10, 2010 to December 10, 2011. The responsibility is great and, while the mission is one that is unhesitatingly easy to embrace, the more one examines the magnitude of the scope the greater that magnitude becomes. I don’t have time to become overwhelmed.

About my fourth week at Apple, my manager asked me how I was doing. I told him I was frustrated; that I was used to knowing everything about a job I had taken and being able to handle it all. At Apple, I didn’t know my way around, didn’t know the systems, didn’t know anything but that I love the technology and was learning to like the atmosphere. He said, “well, you are very well-liked, here, and we’re glad you’ve joined us.” Kept me going, kept me positive, but it was a tough learning curve.

In retrospect, that was excellent preparation for this job. I have no doubts as to my being uniquely suited to accomplish what is needed, here. I have a skill and experience set, intuitions, aptitudes and talent that has been hard to come by and encompasses myriad industries and disciplines that can all come together to yield a year that will surpass expectation.

There is no road map, however. What needs to be accomplished has not been done, before. While I’m The Guy for The Job, this isn’t something I can in any way simply Do; I cannot step in, build a team and levy systems and processes in order to get "the show" up by deadline. Rather, I have to untangle layer upon layer of an idiosyncratic culture and massage into existence new coalitions and collaborations in order to forge a new sense of team and mission that supports what’s there and opens the organization up to the powerful evolution we envision through 2011. I have to be patient (don’t laugh), pick my battles, think, evaluate, decide, act, inspire, motivate and manage. I am finding my way, talent and tools in hand, and know I can help create the cultural shift that will fuel a very public campaign and a string of productive successes, next year.

Ironically, my mandate mirrors that for which I moved to Australia, in that to realize the responsibilities in which I have been vested is going to require a significant cultural shift; and change is uncomfortable. Fortunately, at AIUSA I report to a leader who appreciates that this is a difficult process and that there will be resistance to such change. When the time came for it, he unhesitatingly showed his mettle, his commitment to effecting the changes that will be required to accomplish what we envision, and that I’m his Guy, The Guy responsible.

He backs me; that is the simple and profound difference between this and my experience Downunda.

Having had that experience in Oz gives me the perspective to both appreciate the resistance for what it has represented AND appreciate the leadership to whom I now answer. While I don’t believe that “things happen for a reason,” these two things have happened in an order that has afforded me some crucial lessons that support me, now. Had I not had the experiences of the past two years, my experience of the past 25 years wouldn’t serve me quite so well as it now does.

Go figure.

So, I’ve come a long way since August, a year ago. August 19: I’ve been back a year and a month. From homeless and jobless to a wonderful apartment that offers me comfort and solace and a fantastic job that offers me daily challenges and wonderful, fulfilling successes.

And, I don’t know how I might have made it were it not for the love and support of Scott.

Unfortunately, we didn’t make it and ceased being with one another in late Spring. It was a quiet moment of realization…an acceptance of something I think we both feared was coming…as two adults articulated what each wanted from the relationship and found we could not give one another what he wanted or needed. Quite painful, I believe, for both of us; I know my tears well within me, still, and show themselves at certain moments. I think we both continue to love one another; I know that I do.

And, though we haven’t seen one another since, we do communicate by email and text – reminiscent of when we had one another more physically in each other’s lives. That may be wise, it may be not, but we communicate and send laughs to one another and whatever it may be it softens his absence in my life. And I feel that absence, deeply.

He did something fantastic, though. Alone at Opening Ceremonies in Cologne – as Scott, of course, did not come with – just as the procession ended and the show began, texts began appearing on my iPhone. From Scott; watching the ceremony via webstream, live! We ended up dishing the show just as we would have had we been sitting together in the stands; with the added benefit that we didn’t offend anyone around us! I was thrilled that he’d reach out like that, and it made the evening and the event for me.

He is a wonderful man. I wish we could have made it work, and I treasure him and all he has done as lover, as friend.

Cologne? No medals, but I looked fantastic!

So, onward. I was compelled, tonight, to reach out and share What Has Transpired; as life is so different, now, than I foresaw when I looked ahead from the end of last year.

I miss this blog, and I miss the connection it gave me to you who read it. I may come back to it again from time to time. Meanwhile, come to New York! I have room to host and the arms stand ready to hug.

The Final Chapter

Yes, I think it's time to close this book. I believe this will be my final Blog Post.

The story is told; the arc is complete, and I believe I am back on firm footing. To Hell and Back, I've been, over the past two years, and neither the time nor the experience has been wasted. It's all been valuable.

To be fair; despite the disingenuousness of the man with whom I made my agreement with and for whom I abandoned my life in the US in order to move to Australia, I don't know that things would have turned out so differently had I remained in the US. The economy collapsed and my areas of the market(s) were of the hardest hit. I may have ended up losing my apartment, here, anyway; and who knows what would have happened to or with my client roster.

As it was, I had a good, professional proverbial trial by fire in Australia and came out with both a strong, practical confidence in my talent, creativity, skills and methodologies and the experience of meeting and befriending an unique collection of caring, nurturing people with whom I remain in contact and communication. This is not a Loss.

Upon returning to New York, I experienced a thorough shakedown in my perceived support network; with several to whom I had before felt close virtually disappearing while others with whom I had thought to have had only friendly acquaintanceships stepping forward, reaching out and revealing themselves to offer friendships of unusual resonance and depth. A powerful recalibration.

And, of Recalibrations: I think I've seen the bottom, again and hopefully for the last time. The Universe has rubbed my nose in scarcity and exposure, and I have experienced this fully, and survived.

My experience at The Apple Store SoHo has been of profound value to me; with respect to my own self-worth and with respect to my ability to parachute into a completely alien environment and make it work -- for me and for those in the new context. Yesterday, I took a friend down to the store to purchase her new MacBook Pro; and from the moment I walked in the door it was like a Homecoming; exclamations and shouts of "Kile!" and hugs and handshakes and "how's the new gig?" and "I heard you were in the store and wanted to come find you..."

I walked into that place, in November, hating myself and my life and knowing I was a complete failure and would never, NEVER fit into that culture. I've learned so well that I can always be wrong. Always.

That's good perspective...and one that can become intellectualized, all too easily. A good, practical tutorial in that fact, every so often, is not a waste...

I have also learned that there is such a thing as a Starbucks Gold Card! I am now, thanks to so many of you who sent me Starbucks Cards (that I registered, one after the other, as I used them up), the proud bearer of a special card that announces my Status as Gold Level at Starbucks. I mean, who even knew such a thing existed!? So, thank you all for taking such good care of me.

Thank you all for staying in touch, for accompanying me on this journey of excitement, disappointment, loss, grit, courage and renewal...and of friendship. What I have experienced was not special -- we all live tough lives -- other than that a lot happened in a relatively short time. Through it, though, I've received eloquent letters of support, strong and loving hands have been outstretched to catch me should I truly fall, learned that others have found support in watching me undergo the tests and trials I've encountered, and found some inspiration to support them in surmounting their own obstacles.

Life is tough for everyone.

So, now I am at a job I embrace; one that inspires me and to which I am confident and excited at the contribution I can make. I'll be traveling to London and San Francisco over the coming year; my two favorite cities. I have a wonderful apartment at the quiet end of 23rd street, just steps from the High Line and blocks from subway and gym; high ceilings and it's all my own. Within the year I'll have my stuff up from Australia, and within a few months I'll have a housewarming for all of you who've offered me sofas and beds, lunches and love.

And for those of you from out of town who share hearts with me from around the country; my door is always open to you, here...and the coffee is always on me!

As I mentioned, above; I will stop posting regularly to this blog, though I will not be taking it down. I know that I'll come back, occasionally, to read this or that part of it and remember the lessons that I've learned...keeping it in place in case it is useful. Thank you for reading what I write and for traveling with me through this vale of discovery.

Thank you all.

Close Encounters of the TSA Kind

How much my life has changed in mere weeks.


I have a great apartment on the quiet periphery of Chelsea; one subway stop or a short walk from work, three blocks from my gym and just at treetop level. Right now, I look out my window to see a fluttering wall of healthy, almost-lime green as the leaves begin to grow toward the dark green of their oncoming summer maturity.


Since taking the job at Amnesty International, this is my first actual weekend that I'll have had to myself. I stayed with Apple on weekends through the iPad launch, then was in New Orleans for the Annual Meeting, last weekend. So, this one is Mine.


Turns out a good friend of mine, in his own Portentous Life Moment, had decided to move-in with his partner; thus, needing to rent out his condo...offering both of us immediate solution to parallel opportunities. Thus, I moved into his furnished place, and will bring my own stuff up from Australia in several months; after the dust has settled from the past eight months and I've done other financial cleanup.


Meanwhile, I am daily more excited with and pleased to have this Amnesty work, before me. The job becomes appreciably more and more gargantuan with each day's revelations: I'm rather fully whelmed, though not overly so. 


The experience in New Orleans was regenerative and revelatory. I traveled there in order to meet and spend time with some of the members and board members who are part and share a great deal of the history of the organization. I was immediately distracted by and drawn into the powerful energy of the attending members; the students and younger people who filled the plenary sessions with an energy I have not witnessed nor felt for decades. Not since my own participation in Marches on/in Washington, DC, have I felt such burgeoning, intelligent passion.


I learned much, down there, and have returned with an even more clear focus on the what and how of my own responsibilities for seeing to it that the 50th Anniversary Year of this institution is resonant, compelling and yields a stronger, bigger organization through the programs, initiatives and events of 2011.


I can help that to happen.


Right now, I'm still in the Immersion Stage; though the pressure is on to put things in order to be ready for next year in time and in shape for results that fully meet potential. It can be done, albeit it will require a not-so-negligible cultural shift within the organization in order to gird and go. My sense is that the disparate sections and components are ready for and prepared to team up and face this inspirational challenge with professionalism, resolve and commitment.


One indisputable fact is that, in my experience, I have rarely come across a body of professionals as passionately committed to their Mission. Not since the early days of the AIDS epidemic have I encountered a body so committed to rescue and the preservation/restoration of dignity and quality of life for targeted populations and the individuals who make up those populations, one-by-one.


-----------


I dropped-into The Apple Store to pick up a printer, this week, and it was like Dolly Levi returning to Harmonia Gardens. Big, welcoming smiles accompanied by laughter and exuberant hugging from all quarters. I will never lose sight of the value to me of having spent the time working there that I was lucky to have had. Those people and that experience will nurture and support me for a very long time to come...


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A part of me, deep within, continues to experience doubt that all this will last. Scott laughs, sympathetically, and tells me it's Pavlovian; after living in scarcity for so long, after having so much blow up in my face, it is not unreasonable that I would doubt this security with which I am now presented. I take none of this for granted...


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As I was departing New Orleans, last Sunday, finally approaching the front of the queue for the first security checkpoint, I noticed a big smile on the musically-voiced TSA Agent checking tickets and identification. As she was looking over my documentation, I mentioned how friendly people in New Orleans were seeming. She stopped what she was doing, looked me in the eye, put my documents on her lectern and said, "Honey, we LIKE people, down here...!" and gave me a BIG hug - one to rival my own.


I got hugged by a TSA Agent! 


My life has changed, so much...

iWork, myWork...

As of Friday, I've been at Amnesty International for two weeks. With each day my appreciation of the magnitude of my scope of work grows exponentially, and with it my engagement with, commitment to and exhilaration for the project broadens and deepens. The pressure of having this singular opportunity to direct and drive the articulation of the evolving and ongoing relevance of the AI legacy and of having this to do in so short a time-frame is beginning to fuel my creative inner fires.

I am taking things very slowly; despite my inclination to hit the ground, running. I'm spending this first 45 days or so immersing myself in the culture, context and history of the organization; learning the players and becoming familiar with the currents that massage the forces under the surface. When I do begin to direct activity, I want to be sure of my footing. My judgement is excellent, when it is informed. Though the pressure to get things moving is great; when I do begin to move things, I want to be especially confident of the direction. We only get one shot at this, and I've been entrusted with quite a legacy.

When it comes down to it, my value is in the tools that I bring, the processes and methodologies I've developed and can apply, and my dexterity in the creative expression of story, of legacy. The best way to realize my mandate at this iconic organization is to operate with complete transparency; to include virtually everyone - being sure that all have been heard through the process, be assiduous in paying attention to detail, being open and communicative and definite, making decisions at the right time...and remaining calm.

The experience of the past 220 days since returning to NYC will have proven to have been invaluable as these coming days, weeks and months unfold. Nearly eight months of moving from place to place, with the few belongings I had brought back to NYC with me spread all over town (I still can't find my favorite pair of brown slacks; they're in some closet, somewhere in the city...), have re-calibrated within me my own confidence- or self reliance-meter. 

Frankly, I think I am better prepared, now, to address the responsibilities of this new position than I might have been a year or two ago...thanks, in no small part, to my experience at Apple SoHo, which ends today.

Though I started at AI two weeks ago, I have remained a part of the Apple Team on weekends, as I didn't want to just quit, and wanted to remain to be a part of yesterday's launch of the iPad. It was too big a thing, coming too soon to miss by mere days...and, I'm glad I stayed on. The energy of yesterday's launch event was fantastic, and the environment at the store was like the first block of a parade, all day long. It was great to have been a part of such a huge milestone for this future-shaping company, and there were thousands of very happy people coming through the store, yesterday.

At Apple, I jumped into an environment in which I had no real previous experience. Though I've been a fan of the technology for a very long time; being in retail, being at the bottom of the ladder, the new guy on the team, learning new systems on the fly and applying them immediately... The pressure on me to perform and deliver the most basic of services was immense; the need to release any ego and simply get the job done was paramount and, in retrospect, excellent preparation for This Next Chapter.

The true value in the Apple Experience, my Apple Experience, though, has been the people. I've said it before, but the quality of these fantastic young men and women is virtually unsurpassed in my history. Vibrant, motivated, disparately talented, sincere, caring and YOUNG; having become accepted, embraced and made such a part of this team has honored me in unexpected ways.

I am going to miss being amidst and among these young men and women. Frankly, it is a Badge of Honor to have become so well regarded by such a group. As word of my departure has spread, scores of them have come to me and, one-by-one, looked me in the eye and expressed heartfelt disappointment at my going, wishing me sincere good luck. A part of me is astonished that, at an easy 30-year gap in our ages, our relationship and interaction can mean so much to them. Certainly, it has had powerful meaning for me; soaking-in the energy, sharing in the conversation, learning what entertains and what concerns this group of younger people. I consider myself the Lucky One in this.

I arrived at Apple in November, virtually broken and very unhappy; I considered myself a failure and considered myself to be on the extreme periphery of this "Bunch of Kids." In one fiscal quarter, I've risen to the top 5% in revenue, been told by the manager that the door is always open to me, and tonight, after closing, scores of them are descending on a local bar to send me off with a Farewell Party. What greater honor might such a group bestow on a man such as m'self?

This morning, in my new apartment, as I prepare to shower and go to work for my final day at the Apple Store, my heart is indeed full. This place and these kids (er, young men and women!) have prepared me to take on the world, again. I expect to keep this experience close to my heart, wherever I go -- and it will not surprise me were I to be able to hire some of them at some point in the not so distant future... 

Or, to be hired BY one of 'em! Who knows...?

I'm ready for This Next Chapter.

A Corner, Turned...

My sojourn in Australia lasted for 220 days.

As of today, I have been back in the US for nearly that long; 214 days.

Since returning, I’ve lived with felines and canines, slept on sofas, cushions, blow-up mattresses and futons, in guest beds and master bedrooms and very nearly on the subway. 

I’ve experienced my life refined to the most important of essentials; food and shelter. I’m fortunate to not have had to resort to actual homeless shelters, due to what has become a prolific, successive materialization of practical support from many unexpected quarters.

People from my life past -- people whom I had liked though truly hardly knew -- have reached out to me with offers of shelter and leads for jobs and have given me nurturing support that I had not expected, at all. They have kept their eye on me to be sure I didn’t lose heart and give up. These wonderful individuals have reached out with heartfelt words of encouragement during a very dark time for me...telling me that they have drawn inspiration and support from my own life and work in the past and articulated a value I might have on this planet that I have not always perceived. 

These words and actions have helped me to carry myself through this.

Other friends, longtime friends, have simply and silently disappeared...or not appeared, at all. To me, it is as though these former confidantes fear I might infect them with my own perceived Failure...or something. Truly, I have no idea why some of those with whom I’d been very close before leaving for Australia have simply stayed away since my return. Beyond being disconcerting, the absence of some of those whom I’d trusted so implicitly as friends at a time when friends were most needed seriously undermined my efforts to ground myself and maintain some sort of steadiness as I rebuilt.

On the one hand, this has forced me to rely only on myself; accepting anything positive that has come my way as Gift. 

On the other, though; the true lesson has been in candor, in actually giving voice to what is needed and asking for specific help so that what is needed is known...and in realizing that No Man Is An Island, we’re here together to help one another.

There is no room in my wardrobe for the mantle of victimhood.

One friend has offered that my pathway through these past months (or years) has been shaman-esque in the quality of exploration and the sometimes seemingly relentless encounters with difficulty and obstacle as I have explored the rebuilding of a life.

I can say that the experience at The Apple Store has been revelatory to me in myriad ways. Talk about “parachuting” into an alien situation and making it work: working in retail was equally as foreign to me as was traveling 12,000 miles to a country of cowboys… 

I succeeded at Apple. Having paid no attention to the metrics and numbers of my work, and only doing what comes naturally; I was a tad surprised to learn, just this week, that out of the 300+ employees at Apple SoHo, I have been in the top 5% for the quarter! Who knew?!

When the manager who shared this little tidbit of data with me saw my surprise, he said, “...well, Kile, you talk to a LOT of people…!” 

I do not believe that “everything happens for a reason.” I do believe that we can find reason, lesson, enlightenment and value in nearly everything that does happen. Life is so much chance and circumstance; it is up to us to embrace what comes and weave the lessons into our lives...possibly even to help others.

I made a huge error in judgement in trusting the Australian Handshake that took me to Melbourne. I shelved an entire life and took a leap of trust and faith....

Would I do it again? Probably not. Do I regret what I did? I don’t.

Though it was an extremely dark time, it was interwoven and enhanced -- graced --  by encounters with some wonderful people with whom I remain in touch to this day and may even see - or work with - again. The wonderful, caring community at The Vitality Clinic; Sam, Kath & Emily were an oasis of succor and revitalization and remain indelible in my heart. Kristin and Ateesha at Ministry of Dance; poised professionalism, personified...and beautiful, t’boot. Magdy, sharing his family and his church with me. Judi, the best representative New Zealand might boast. The wacky - though, not wacko - Pollock family...and, of course, the divine Christopher Vine; who opened his heart and home and shared his beautiful family. These people are Australia for me.

Since returning, my life has continued its shakedown. While many old friends have remained away, so many more have shown themselves to care and to reach out and simply stay in touch...sharing what made our shared lives and experiences so special and what remains to give resonance to re-experiencing one another again, now.

The fresh aliveness I have found among the young people at Apple has been regenerative, revelatory, and fantastically fruitful. These kids (and they are kids, what can I tellya?) are smart, motivated, aspirational and inspirational. Disparate, they gather from cities and suburbs of Florida to California, from Brooklyn to Biloxi, Harlem to Hawaii; universally seeking to make something of themselves, to realize a set of dreams, goals, visions of their individual futures. Afraid of failure when they haven’t achieved a set of ambitions by the time the 25th year is reached; their candid fears and protected hopes make them sheer pleasure to be around.

Becoming a part of that micro-community has been one of the best things I’ve done; my own evolution from That New (old) Guy to whatever stature I seem now to enjoy has been an accomplishment of which I’m proud. As word has begun to creep out that I am leaving Apple, the startled dismay that these young men and women have expressed has been something I did not expect and something I do not take lightly.

Widened eyes well with tears as a young man or woman says, “You’re leaving?!”  This tells me that I have made a difference, that I do make a difference...still, yet, and ongoingly. I cherish that quality and have been greatly humbled at the experience that Apple has offered and has clarified for me.

When I broke the news to the manager and told him that I was leaving, without hesitation he told me that the door will always be open for me...as long as he has a job at Apple, I will be welcome there. In only four months, that is not something taken lightly; and I am honored by that.

Why am I leaving Apple?

Well, as a matter of fact, this week, I received an offer from Amnesty International for the position of Executive Producer of All Things 50th in the US for that organization’s 50th Anniversary Year...that being next year; 2011. 

Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, Kile Ozier has a job. 

Not just a job, but a position with a scope that I believe is perfect for me at this prestigious, iconic global agency with the readily embraceable Mission of Human Rights for All.

I start, Monday.

Untitled

Sunday Morning
Upper West Side.
Fourth floor walkup
Here, I abide.
Pigeons screwing
Out on the ledge,
I'm still living
Here, on the Edge.

Three more days,
then who knows
where my pathway
onward goes.
Down to chelsea
Possibly,
To the east side?
We shall see...

Rain is pouring
Out of the sky.
Weather like this
Makes my heart fly.
Back at home, it's
Like this, all year;
Misty beaches
Call to my ear.

In this city to
Which I've committed
I've yet to see whether
I can be fitted.
Outreach goes out, yet
Little comes in,
Jobs that call out to me
Don't call me in.

I'm here and stayin'
Said that I would
Day out and Day in
Makin' it good.
Off in the distance
Hear some faint rumblings,
Thus I am hoping
This Dark soon be crumbling.

No further reportage
Made at this time,
'Til there be something
A bit more sublime...

KO

Gimme That Damn Envelope...!

On this day in 1980, I gave an Oscar Party in San Francisco; then, my new home. I hadn't yet lived in SF for a year, though had already met and made some wonderful friends; many of whom - those still living - remain a part of my life, today.

I rented a suite at the Bedford Arms on Post Street, borrowed twelve television sets, asked a friend of mine who worked for Durkee to donate samples of their toaster-oven hors d'oeuvre, bought some champagne, invited all 30 of the people I knew in the City and gave my first Oscar Party. I didn't know it was a "first" at the time; but lo, it turned out to be a monster-in-the-making.

Television sets were positioned everywhere such that, no matter where one was standing or sitting, at least one screen was easily visible. There were even two in the bathroom; one on the back of the john and one facing it so that, sitting or standing, not a moment of the broadcast would be missed. The mixed crowd of friends, each dressed in black-tie or the equivalent, toasted the winners and became a little toasted, ourselves, and had a ball...

It grew. The next year, there were about 60 people; the next, over 100. In the interim, my Lover, Don, and I had split: the way I like to put it, "...he took the crystal, I took the party..." And, the party grew exponentially, each year, rapidly becoming too large for me to finance it, myself; thus an iconic fundraiser was born.

Breaking the paradigm of the traditional Oscar Party, there was food everywhere, screens everywhere, sound everywhere (even tucked into the food stations), and far fewer seats than guests, creating a comfortable, kinetic dynamic and flow. For those who need to see every moment of the show, there were quiet corners with dedicated monitors and food close at hand; for those who wanted to chat and catch the Big Moments, there was the rest of the space in which to move and chat and nosh and never actually be out of range of the view or the sound.

In order to give full integrity to each ticket price or contribution, 100% of the expenses were underwritten so that, even were only one ticket sold, the entire cost of that ticket would go to the selected charity or charities. Many tickets were sold, though, many of them; and comps were very, very rare...

And, it grew. From 100 to 300 to over 500 to 1000 and beyond; a classic, San Francisco crowd. Eclectically-dressed in black-tie or black-tie adjacent, always glamourous, straight, gay, in-between; from the most glittering of drag queens to the most beautiful of women to the endless smiles of men in tuxes or -- as the dancing began -- sometimes out of them...a quintessential, post-modern San Francisco crowd.

Something about this thing having originated from an actual group of friends seems to have continued to permeate the energy of the experience at what is now called Academy of Friends. One can go to this party, alone, and be greeted as warmly as though s/he had been coming to the event for years. It is the most welcoming of large-scale events, and many people even now plan to meet one another on The Night, annually, as part of the experience.

Originally, part of the mystique was the fact that each year the event would unfold in a different location, a new venue, sometimes being the first event to take place in a new atrium or hotel. From the rotunda of City Hall to the hottest of SoMa NightSpots to the august marble halls of the Federal Reserve Bank, this specific manifestation of San Francisco Oscar Glamour has traveled the city; though now, there are very few spaces large enough to hold and host the magic of this evening.

Early on, to help me organize and produce, I asked a few of my friends from various aspects of the event and entertainment industries in San Francisco to join me, as a "Committee," promising only three meetings a year; a promise that lasted....one year.

Rapidly, the experience and mission -- and need -- grew to the extent that Committee became Board and event become non-profit and three meetings a year became monthly Board meetings with subcommittees and homework. Key, through all of this, has been the hands-on nature of the members of the Board. There is no pointing to work and specifying, there is only Doing.

...and Doing. These Board members work their Oscars off.

There truly is no other event like this one. Born out of a confluence of circumstance, epidemic, creativity and the evolution of a suppressed and besieged population becoming enlightened to the power of the multiplied, small contribution; this Oscar Party is a benchmark in shared experience, successful fundraising, camp and glamour.

I remember announcing in the rotunda of City Hall, back in the '80's, the groundbreaking figure of $35,000.00 raised in one evening and hearing the surprised crowd go wild in appreciation of what was at the time such a huge and nearly unimaginable figure...right before we all sang "Happy Birthday" to Mayor Agnos' wife, Sherry, in a rousing chorus that was led by Nancy Pelosi.

Now entering its 30th year, Academy of Friends raises millions of dollars, annually, for AIDS direct care and educational programs, "...where the need is greatest at the time..." With a Board of Directors well into its seventh or eighth generation, the spirit of those original Friends and Committee Members lives on in the work and in the results...and very much in the Spirit.

It's quite a phenomenon, this organization, and the annual Oscar Gala is now the flagship in an armada of ongoing efforts to keep educating and enlightening and caring for those who need or can benefit from the work of small agencies that form the web of support for the myriad needs of a community that remains at siege by an insidious virus and the concomitant fears of an often myopic public.

At the center of it all is this Annual Gala; a fantastic experience like no other. If you are in or near San Francisco, go! If not, make plans to go next year. I can only say that, in my experience, no one attends the Annual Academy of Friends Gala only once.

What else does one need to know?

Not Quite as Euphoric...

...as last week; though still feeling good about what is to come; simply a tad more realistic (again) as to just how long it is likely to take before What Is to Come actually arrives...

It's going to be awhile.

I continue to move through the city to find beds and roofs and kitchens. I've met some great cats (of the domesticated feline variety) and found that some of my friends own some pretty fantastic beds; I've had some great night's sleeps, and some not so deep...still haunted by nightmares, fairly regularly, surely borne of the simple absence of stability and deeper-seated anxiety over the potential realities of my future.

There have been a few solid-seeming possibilities surface; yet thus far these have ultimately shown themselves to be whims of fate, if nothing else. Nothing solid has materialized or shows any actual signs of that. It's going to be a long time before I am able to again work...create...and have a place of my own in which to live.

It is extremely frustrating and often depressing to keep moving from place to place; not ever entirely sure where a certain pair of pants might be, not being able to have a simple morning routine of cooking breakfast, pulling lunch from the freezer and heading out to the gym and the day... One loses track of the simplest things.

God, I miss having a desk; my music, my books, my Bed!

At least I have le Pomme.

The film project has been ramped back quite a bit, as the Manager who approved it turns out not to have had time to have seen any of my past work; so doesn't appreciate the scope I had envisioned for creating this thing. Nonetheless, as Patti LaBelle said at my Yankee Stadium Closing Ceremonies in 1994, "...if you can't get what you want; work with whatcha got!" Ergo, I have this opportunity to make something; I will simply have to maximize the effect within the parameters I've been given in which to work.

And, as I consider the opportunity, it remains quite an opportunity; the greater challenge of the restricted parameters has, as the possibilities have sunk-in, fueled some excitement in me to see what I can actually create - how moving a piece I can put together - with the very limited resources at my disposal. I often say that a good story can be told in nearly any budgetary context; I s'pose I'll have to really push that to the utmost, with this project.

Here's a kicker. We had our Quarterly Staff Meeting, last Sunday night. All 350 employees at the store from 7 - 10pm: mandatory. The previous staff meeting, three months ago, was one week after I'd begun working at the store. I felt completely apart from this group of people; out of place and irrelevant and a failure to even be there.

This time, as we all gathered before the Convening, I have to say I was having a blast. I really enjoy these younger men and women and am beginning to feel a part of the culture of the store. Communication amongst us runs the gamut from pop culture to Shakespeare and Dickens, some come to me for professional advice, some for mentoring, some for guidance on personal affairs, some for coaching in making presentations -- and every day I learn some new slang or hear a new performing artist or gain some new tidbit of knowledge relevant to a demographic of which I am not a part, but for which I plan to continue to create experience and offer message.

Despite my own deep-seated sense of loss and failure; I have felt that I have managed to set that aside when I come to work and be fully present, both for the one-on-one conversations and interactions with clientele and the Team, as well as in the larger context of contributing to the positive vibe of the place.

Turns out I'm more successful than I'd realized.

At the end of the meeting (after some egregious corporate videos - gobsmacking for a company that prides itself on relevance and being cutting edge to produce such unimaginative in-house work representing the top levels of management), the managers gathered onstage to present a short set of four awards to standouts among the staff. Appropriately, these were going to employees who've been at the store for some time; having established reputations, workstyles, productivity standards and personae that make them stand out amongst their peers. A cool concept, to recognize these individuals...

The final award was presented to, "...a man who's only been here a short while, but who has already established a presence. I enjoy watching him work, as he brings dignity and humor to the floor; I've never heard him say, 'no,' and he's always willing to help. I can't imagine an interaction with him that does not have value, as I watch him interact with our customers. So, as a Top Producer in the Zone, I want to acknowledge..." Yes, can you believe it? Me.

I felt like Sally Field!

The audience erupted in raucous applause, and there've been high-fives amongst us all, throughout the work days, since. There've been so many days when I've felt as though I've been barely holding it together; and I get an award....for friendliness...and Dignity?! Well, Buckle Up, then...

This entire evening and the ensuing week have been a shot in the arm. These kids don't need to accept anyone; being embraced, trusted and even sought out from within this disparately-talented, intelligent group thirty years my juniors is a charge and a compliment. Being acknowledged for a contribution I make when I am in such a low and fractured state of mind is just a little bit...astounding.

I suppose I'm stronger than I'd realized.

Something's Coming...

It's only just out of reach,

Down the block, on a beach,

Under a tree.

I got a feeling there's a miracle due,

Gonna come true,

Coming to me!

L. Bernstein - "Something's Coming" West Side Story

I'm feeling very good about things, just now...there seems to have been a shift in my psyche over the past two weeks, quite a positive shift, that may be coming from a confluence of good things. For one thing, my workouts are starting to take effect in my musculature, my metabolism and in my mood; observing myself during my workout, on Friday, I finally actually believe I'll be able to compete in the Games, in August. Powerful Stuff.

For another, I pitched a film idea to my manager at Le Marche du Pomme; and he embraced it! "Embraced," as in Approved.

So many of our customers have strong, often emotional responses to the technology they find at the store...along with the unique quality of personal attention and service that is experienced there. Generally, once or twice a week, I will encounter a customer whose eyes well with tears of relief as I show what this stuff can do for them. Several times a week, on the floor and in the workshops, I watch as awestruck appreciation lights up the face of a New Owner, freshly arrived from Mondo sans Pomme.

I hear and, as I teach, watch a lot of "Wow" happen.

There is much appreciative laughter in the store, a high energy and no dearth of hugs and fond handshakes as client after client walks out the door...or client after client returns for classes, questions or even the next piece of technology...

Anyway, my thought is that it would be great to capture that story on film. So many of our in-house media is about how fantastic it is to work for such a dynamic company; how rapidly le Pomme is growing, how relevant and groundbreaking is our technology and how Cool is our product. What isn't articulated is the profundity of the effect we have on the humanity of our clientele...the personal stories of answers found, technology suddenly rendered not only not obstructive, but rather compellingly inviting, welcoming, helpful to the point of even inspiring creativity.

Anyway, I suggested I make a film, my style of personal film, for our next quarterly staff meeting. I want to put together a film that is about the Personal Experience found in the store, by the customers and by those of us who offer the solutions they seek.

Project Approved; along with the caveat that I do this on company time as a paid employee on an official project. Most cool. If I am able to accomplish what I envision, we'll have some wet eyes in the house and perhaps an inspirational piece of media that comes from different than might otherwise be expected.

Too, I'm going to pull in a couple of these Young Brilliants who work there to round out the small production team; a sound guy for recording and scoring, a DP/Camera Operator to make sure it looks good and an editor. Being given approval so readily is a significant shot in the arm for me, and it's going to be a fun project.

Concurrently, I've actually had a couple of live interviews. For the first time since returning from the Debacle Downunda, there seems to be some positive energy around my search for a Creative Executive position. I'd almost forgotten what it is like to have someone respond to a CV, email or phone call; but apparently there are some who still adhere to such old-fashioned values as courtesy and acknowledgement. Not only that, but there just may be a job or two, simmering in the offing...

We shall see...

One thing I know has most certainly contributed to my sense of wellbeing, or better-being than before, is the immediate and supportive response to my mini-missive seeking a place to stay. In a matter of about three days, I am now secure until the 10th of March for long stretches without having to move from place-to-place every three days or so. This is great.

The response was abundant and moving, actually. I thank all who reached out, contacting friends and acquaintances in NYC to ferret out sofas and guest rooms. I wasn't able to accept all that was offered, but I was overwhelmed at the abundance of response. Thank you. Thank you all.

Finally, we have had some beautiful snowfalls here, punctuated by brilliantly clear, crisp days of crystal sunshine...and a minimum of slush. I encountered my first Urban Snowman of the season; a tragic figure, lucky to have survived even this long...but there he was, greeting us on our way to work, this week...

So, nothing solid on the horizon, but Something's Coming; of this I am confident. What remains to be seen is how long it's going to take to arrive, and if this new sense of possibility remains with me, takes root and continues to grow.

Working Without a Net

I received some some fairly delicious assessments of the sources of the negativity I'd discovered was pointed in my direction; the inspiration or impetus for my most recent post. Though I can't print any of them, they were an upbeat and often hilarious cornucopia of WTF and Pay No Attention.

One friend, though, did ask me if what I'd heard had caused me to rethink writing and posting, here...

Not a chance.

A sucker punch to the solar plexus by a random bully doesn't keep a man from walking down that street, again.

I was startled and wounded when, already in a place of weakness and doubt, the fact that there are those who aggressively wish me ill was presented to me. Though, in the grand scheme of things, in my overall experience, this is really no secret.

There have always been those who have been jealous of what I accomplish, of the work I've done and the institutions I've built, of the risks I've taken and concomitant rewards I may have been perceived to have reaped therefrom. The small-minded and petty have always resented the risk takers in our culture and found smug satisfaction when those who perform without a net fail and fall...sometimes even seeking ways to fuel or ensure such faltering.

What those people miss and will never know is the exhilarating clarity, the experience, the view from the height of accomplishing something unprecedented, of opening doors, of making a difference in support of others, of giving voice to some who hadn't the previous opportunity.

Many times, I've chosen to make my own path; trusting my instincts to make my way toward and accomplish something new, to reach an audience in a different way, to move people more profoundly, to give voice more resonantly. Professionally, I have sometimes failed, though fortunately my failures have been few and have served to fuel future successes. Pushing limits is the only way to overcome limitations; and I have not necessarily played it safe. I learn, I grow, I try another thing...

Why, I wonder, is it so prevalent in our culture to resent the risk-takers? There seems to be such glee found in the tearing-down of heroes, in the undermining of those who don't "play" by a proscribed set of rules, a deeply-set and darkly nurtured resentment of the success of others. Is this a Western Thing?

I don't know that this dynamic exists in Asia, in India, in the East. I've seen similar in Europe and the UK, and there is a strong subtext of "cutting down the tall Poppy" in Australia. Especially in Western Culture, it seems people are at least uncomfortable with and often very much afraid of the extraordinary; in some way threatened by the Different.

Is this due to some sort of deep-seated shame that they've found themselves unable or unwilling to take the same risks? To be fair, neither path is better, simply different; one can actually serve as audience or market for the other. What might be wrong with that?

There is a most definite downside to risk-taking, something I am absolutely experiencing, right now. Those who tread the more well-beaten paths are, in my experience, more likely to have homes, cars, food...and are able to keep children fed and educated. Me, I could not do those things; I have done other things.

Working without a net has left me vulnerable to trusting the Wrong Handshake; thus returning from a truncated sojourn in Australia depleted and empty-handed. It was a bad call on my part, but not without its serious benefits; much was learned, some good stuff was accomplished, some very good people were met and will remain a part of my life, I was able to test myself in a vacuum and return with invaluable professional knowledge to the most valuable of personal relationships.

At the same time, what I have been able to create in seeking new ways to create experience lives on in the hearts and memories of - and often in the lives and choices made by - those who have been there for the experience. One cannot put a price on that.

So, I have fallen and fallen far. Awakening on the morning of my birthday (Friday) I was welcomed with the crushing weight of the future bearing down on me. My future. The one that's currently empty of all but Potential. I left for the gym in a deep depression; focusing on my age and the time I have left to be perceived as relevant and valuable and bordering on despair at the the dearth of possibility...

By the time I'd worked-out, met with my trainer to work on his website and found myself deep in a spiritually-oriented conversation with him about realization of goals and personal possibilities, had a great networking lunch meeting in the Conde Nast building, high above Times Square and had coffee with a sparkling new friend from work who has just moved to NYC from Boulder with her partner I was feeling regenerated and rejuvenated and was virtually emanating positive energy.

That night, I was treated as the loved and desired man that I am, and the moon shone on the snow-covered rooftops of Battery Park as I slept, bodies and hearts intertwined with someone very special to me.

I will be relevant 'til the Day I Die.

(Though, I do hope to be paid for it...soon.)

Schadenfreude

"The world needs people like you and me who've been knocked around by fate.
'Cause when people see us, they don't want to be us, and that makes them feel great!

- Lyrics to "Schadenfreude" from "Avenue Q"

An old friend from home came to see me, yesterday; wanting to check up on me, in person, and see just how All Right I am, actually. During the conversation, she shared with me that there are a number of people who care about me who are following this blog, are concerned and watching with interest as they send their thoughts and love my way...that y'all talk about me, sometimes, when together, and that I remain a part of your lives as you do of mine, though so far away. I know y'all're out there, it actually helps immensely to know that, and as soon as I get my feet under me I look forward to seeing my friends, again.


She also shared with me the fact that there are a number of people who are getting much enjoyment, finding great satisfaction in this turn my life has taken...that "it's about time" something like this happened to me and that it "serves him right."


Wow. 


Suddenly Schadenfreude isn't so funny, when it actually becomes so personal. I'm a little stunned to think that there are those who believe that I in some way deserve the turn my life has taken. I am responsible for my own decisions certainly but is homelessness and virtual destitution truly what is warranted by the life I've led? Are there those who truly believe that these are the seeds I've sown?

I've gotten a lot of big things accomplished in my lifetime, so far. Sometimes, getting big things done has taken some big pushing; sometimes, especially in the early years, diplomacy has taken a back seat to candor, and not always to the, ah, survival of good relations in the aftermath. Candor scares people, the truth can make people uncomfortable; I know this, but it hasn't ever stopped me from telling it...the trait has sometimes obstructed my overall success, however.

I have become a little more selective, as life has unfolded, about to whom and where I tell the naked truth.

As the news sunk in, I asked my friend how people could actually feel this way; I asked have I treated people poorly? She said, no, I don't think anyone would accuse you of that, but I think you have been sometimes perceived as (and she said this gently) Arrogant...

Hm. I get that. I can be Extremely Confident in my Vision of What is Possible; though, I never ask of anyone else anything I do not ask of myself, I believe I only expect others to meet standards to which I hold myself. 

Therein, though, lies the lesson.

This lesson isn't about my standards, rather it is about my expectations of others to meet them. The simple fact that something, some creative vision, is humanly possible to accomplish isn't enough motivation for many - most - others to push themselves to do their best. For many, for most, the simple meeting of expectation is enough. 

That's never been enough for me; not when more or better is conceivable and possible. Truly, this has caused many a rift in my past. The lesson for me being not that I was wrong to push for the best; but for me to think that when the best had been achieved, those who had been pushed would understand and appreciate the pressure of the process. Not the case. Not always, anyway.

A leader does make enemies, has detractors. One cannot build without hammering a nail or two. I dare say, though, that the list of those who find satisfaction in this Fall of mine does not include anyone who's ever worked for me, or on a team with me, or been the focus of the work I do or the recipient of the benefits of the work I have done.

A part of me has to laugh, though. It wasn't as though I had far to fall. When I worked, I was often very well-paid; but I gave so much work away to those in need that the lifestyle I led wasn't all that far from the bone in the first place. That's why the Mistake of Australia was able to be so universally damaging, I'd say. 

Many with far lower standards of professional quality and personal integrity have been far more financially successful than I will ever be. I am fulfilled by the knowledge that there are agencies in existence because of groundwork I've laid, funding sources I've created, teams I've built and inspired; minds have been changed and selves affirmed through experiences I have created, experiences that continue to resonate with souls I'll likely never meet.

People have died in comfort and possibly surrounded with more love out of some of the work I've contributed...that's my recompense.

All of this, I am compelled to acknowledge, can be attributed in no small part to a group of friends who gathered around me and supported me in creating Thing after Thing, from inaugurals and state visit ceremonies to Fleet Weeks to joining with and supporting me in the creation of Friends of Oscar, now called Academy of Friends and about to enter its 30th year, all the way to Washington to make a simple vision of a powerful Candlelight AIDS Memorial become something unforgettable for thousands of mourners. These young men and women (well, we were all young at the time) saw something in me that they could support, and they nourished and let me BE me as I stretched and reached and cajoled and shouted and convinced and created; but it was the framework of their shoulders that got us there.

I have no idea where my life will go from here. The severity of this shakedown cannot but have positive effects on me, it must; especially in the area of Patience (do I hear cheering from afar?). Well, yes; we all grow...we all should grow. I just find it striking that there are people who would actually wish me ill with such smugness. I suppose I thought that my heart being in the right place and the visions realized being of such quality that any abrasiveness would be brushed off in light of the result.

I Guess Not!

Have I learned anything in the past 30 years about picking battles and sweating small stuff? Certainly...and more, every day. At the same time, I've also learned that when I do have a creative vision it is most likely best served by my holding to it; by gathering those around me who will join me in going the distance and seeing it through. 

I remember when I was building the Stanford "Think Again" tour media. I had an excellent Film Director and Producer whom I'd known for several years who was extremely concerned at the feasibility of my two-screen/two-camera idea for creating films that would engage the audience more deeply, more compellingly. Despite his trepidation and a long and heated conversation, he went for it with me and made it happen. I didn't realize just how deeply ran his concern until the third show on the tour (Los Angeles) when, as the audience went absolutely silent save for a few sniffles and tears, he turned to me and said, "I have to tell you, Kile; you really nailed it on the split screen thing..."

He went with my vision, and the result was unprecedented. 

When one is creating something unprecedented, one must clear his own pathway and write his own guide.

So the way isn't clear when no one has been there, before. That being said, often it is the gentler touch that can inspire engagement of needed others. Just as what I create is so often most effective through nuance and subtlety; so, too, might the way be easier if approached more gently.

Coming up on Year 58, this is good information to keep at hand.

---------------------------------

Official Update:

So, tomorrow I move to midtown for a week with Caruso the Cat. Then there is a week-long gap and I have a place near Madison Square for about eight days. I'm getting great reviews at the store, and have been given a regular class to teach, "Productivity and Organization for Business" on Wednesday mornings. I also teach phone. No raises, and still in a t-shirt and name tag; AND the hours are being cut, now that the Holidays are past. I've been sort of overlooking the grimness of the situation during the holidays, but I'm having to face the fact that the lifeline is thinning, even now.

I've several proposals out, looking hard for a Creative Director slot in an agency or group, Craiglisting, networking, all of it. Nothing yet; but no fat lady has yet sung.