Schadenfreude

"The world needs people like you and me who've been knocked around by fate.
'Cause when people see us, they don't want to be us, and that makes them feel great!

- Lyrics to "Schadenfreude" from "Avenue Q"

An old friend from home came to see me, yesterday; wanting to check up on me, in person, and see just how All Right I am, actually. During the conversation, she shared with me that there are a number of people who care about me who are following this blog, are concerned and watching with interest as they send their thoughts and love my way...that y'all talk about me, sometimes, when together, and that I remain a part of your lives as you do of mine, though so far away. I know y'all're out there, it actually helps immensely to know that, and as soon as I get my feet under me I look forward to seeing my friends, again.


She also shared with me the fact that there are a number of people who are getting much enjoyment, finding great satisfaction in this turn my life has taken...that "it's about time" something like this happened to me and that it "serves him right."


Wow. 


Suddenly Schadenfreude isn't so funny, when it actually becomes so personal. I'm a little stunned to think that there are those who believe that I in some way deserve the turn my life has taken. I am responsible for my own decisions certainly but is homelessness and virtual destitution truly what is warranted by the life I've led? Are there those who truly believe that these are the seeds I've sown?

I've gotten a lot of big things accomplished in my lifetime, so far. Sometimes, getting big things done has taken some big pushing; sometimes, especially in the early years, diplomacy has taken a back seat to candor, and not always to the, ah, survival of good relations in the aftermath. Candor scares people, the truth can make people uncomfortable; I know this, but it hasn't ever stopped me from telling it...the trait has sometimes obstructed my overall success, however.

I have become a little more selective, as life has unfolded, about to whom and where I tell the naked truth.

As the news sunk in, I asked my friend how people could actually feel this way; I asked have I treated people poorly? She said, no, I don't think anyone would accuse you of that, but I think you have been sometimes perceived as (and she said this gently) Arrogant...

Hm. I get that. I can be Extremely Confident in my Vision of What is Possible; though, I never ask of anyone else anything I do not ask of myself, I believe I only expect others to meet standards to which I hold myself. 

Therein, though, lies the lesson.

This lesson isn't about my standards, rather it is about my expectations of others to meet them. The simple fact that something, some creative vision, is humanly possible to accomplish isn't enough motivation for many - most - others to push themselves to do their best. For many, for most, the simple meeting of expectation is enough. 

That's never been enough for me; not when more or better is conceivable and possible. Truly, this has caused many a rift in my past. The lesson for me being not that I was wrong to push for the best; but for me to think that when the best had been achieved, those who had been pushed would understand and appreciate the pressure of the process. Not the case. Not always, anyway.

A leader does make enemies, has detractors. One cannot build without hammering a nail or two. I dare say, though, that the list of those who find satisfaction in this Fall of mine does not include anyone who's ever worked for me, or on a team with me, or been the focus of the work I do or the recipient of the benefits of the work I have done.

A part of me has to laugh, though. It wasn't as though I had far to fall. When I worked, I was often very well-paid; but I gave so much work away to those in need that the lifestyle I led wasn't all that far from the bone in the first place. That's why the Mistake of Australia was able to be so universally damaging, I'd say. 

Many with far lower standards of professional quality and personal integrity have been far more financially successful than I will ever be. I am fulfilled by the knowledge that there are agencies in existence because of groundwork I've laid, funding sources I've created, teams I've built and inspired; minds have been changed and selves affirmed through experiences I have created, experiences that continue to resonate with souls I'll likely never meet.

People have died in comfort and possibly surrounded with more love out of some of the work I've contributed...that's my recompense.

All of this, I am compelled to acknowledge, can be attributed in no small part to a group of friends who gathered around me and supported me in creating Thing after Thing, from inaugurals and state visit ceremonies to Fleet Weeks to joining with and supporting me in the creation of Friends of Oscar, now called Academy of Friends and about to enter its 30th year, all the way to Washington to make a simple vision of a powerful Candlelight AIDS Memorial become something unforgettable for thousands of mourners. These young men and women (well, we were all young at the time) saw something in me that they could support, and they nourished and let me BE me as I stretched and reached and cajoled and shouted and convinced and created; but it was the framework of their shoulders that got us there.

I have no idea where my life will go from here. The severity of this shakedown cannot but have positive effects on me, it must; especially in the area of Patience (do I hear cheering from afar?). Well, yes; we all grow...we all should grow. I just find it striking that there are people who would actually wish me ill with such smugness. I suppose I thought that my heart being in the right place and the visions realized being of such quality that any abrasiveness would be brushed off in light of the result.

I Guess Not!

Have I learned anything in the past 30 years about picking battles and sweating small stuff? Certainly...and more, every day. At the same time, I've also learned that when I do have a creative vision it is most likely best served by my holding to it; by gathering those around me who will join me in going the distance and seeing it through. 

I remember when I was building the Stanford "Think Again" tour media. I had an excellent Film Director and Producer whom I'd known for several years who was extremely concerned at the feasibility of my two-screen/two-camera idea for creating films that would engage the audience more deeply, more compellingly. Despite his trepidation and a long and heated conversation, he went for it with me and made it happen. I didn't realize just how deeply ran his concern until the third show on the tour (Los Angeles) when, as the audience went absolutely silent save for a few sniffles and tears, he turned to me and said, "I have to tell you, Kile; you really nailed it on the split screen thing..."

He went with my vision, and the result was unprecedented. 

When one is creating something unprecedented, one must clear his own pathway and write his own guide.

So the way isn't clear when no one has been there, before. That being said, often it is the gentler touch that can inspire engagement of needed others. Just as what I create is so often most effective through nuance and subtlety; so, too, might the way be easier if approached more gently.

Coming up on Year 58, this is good information to keep at hand.

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Official Update:

So, tomorrow I move to midtown for a week with Caruso the Cat. Then there is a week-long gap and I have a place near Madison Square for about eight days. I'm getting great reviews at the store, and have been given a regular class to teach, "Productivity and Organization for Business" on Wednesday mornings. I also teach phone. No raises, and still in a t-shirt and name tag; AND the hours are being cut, now that the Holidays are past. I've been sort of overlooking the grimness of the situation during the holidays, but I'm having to face the fact that the lifeline is thinning, even now.

I've several proposals out, looking hard for a Creative Director slot in an agency or group, Craiglisting, networking, all of it. Nothing yet; but no fat lady has yet sung.