Not Quite as Euphoric...

...as last week; though still feeling good about what is to come; simply a tad more realistic (again) as to just how long it is likely to take before What Is to Come actually arrives...

It's going to be awhile.

I continue to move through the city to find beds and roofs and kitchens. I've met some great cats (of the domesticated feline variety) and found that some of my friends own some pretty fantastic beds; I've had some great night's sleeps, and some not so deep...still haunted by nightmares, fairly regularly, surely borne of the simple absence of stability and deeper-seated anxiety over the potential realities of my future.

There have been a few solid-seeming possibilities surface; yet thus far these have ultimately shown themselves to be whims of fate, if nothing else. Nothing solid has materialized or shows any actual signs of that. It's going to be a long time before I am able to again work...create...and have a place of my own in which to live.

It is extremely frustrating and often depressing to keep moving from place to place; not ever entirely sure where a certain pair of pants might be, not being able to have a simple morning routine of cooking breakfast, pulling lunch from the freezer and heading out to the gym and the day... One loses track of the simplest things.

God, I miss having a desk; my music, my books, my Bed!

At least I have le Pomme.

The film project has been ramped back quite a bit, as the Manager who approved it turns out not to have had time to have seen any of my past work; so doesn't appreciate the scope I had envisioned for creating this thing. Nonetheless, as Patti LaBelle said at my Yankee Stadium Closing Ceremonies in 1994, "...if you can't get what you want; work with whatcha got!" Ergo, I have this opportunity to make something; I will simply have to maximize the effect within the parameters I've been given in which to work.

And, as I consider the opportunity, it remains quite an opportunity; the greater challenge of the restricted parameters has, as the possibilities have sunk-in, fueled some excitement in me to see what I can actually create - how moving a piece I can put together - with the very limited resources at my disposal. I often say that a good story can be told in nearly any budgetary context; I s'pose I'll have to really push that to the utmost, with this project.

Here's a kicker. We had our Quarterly Staff Meeting, last Sunday night. All 350 employees at the store from 7 - 10pm: mandatory. The previous staff meeting, three months ago, was one week after I'd begun working at the store. I felt completely apart from this group of people; out of place and irrelevant and a failure to even be there.

This time, as we all gathered before the Convening, I have to say I was having a blast. I really enjoy these younger men and women and am beginning to feel a part of the culture of the store. Communication amongst us runs the gamut from pop culture to Shakespeare and Dickens, some come to me for professional advice, some for mentoring, some for guidance on personal affairs, some for coaching in making presentations -- and every day I learn some new slang or hear a new performing artist or gain some new tidbit of knowledge relevant to a demographic of which I am not a part, but for which I plan to continue to create experience and offer message.

Despite my own deep-seated sense of loss and failure; I have felt that I have managed to set that aside when I come to work and be fully present, both for the one-on-one conversations and interactions with clientele and the Team, as well as in the larger context of contributing to the positive vibe of the place.

Turns out I'm more successful than I'd realized.

At the end of the meeting (after some egregious corporate videos - gobsmacking for a company that prides itself on relevance and being cutting edge to produce such unimaginative in-house work representing the top levels of management), the managers gathered onstage to present a short set of four awards to standouts among the staff. Appropriately, these were going to employees who've been at the store for some time; having established reputations, workstyles, productivity standards and personae that make them stand out amongst their peers. A cool concept, to recognize these individuals...

The final award was presented to, "...a man who's only been here a short while, but who has already established a presence. I enjoy watching him work, as he brings dignity and humor to the floor; I've never heard him say, 'no,' and he's always willing to help. I can't imagine an interaction with him that does not have value, as I watch him interact with our customers. So, as a Top Producer in the Zone, I want to acknowledge..." Yes, can you believe it? Me.

I felt like Sally Field!

The audience erupted in raucous applause, and there've been high-fives amongst us all, throughout the work days, since. There've been so many days when I've felt as though I've been barely holding it together; and I get an award....for friendliness...and Dignity?! Well, Buckle Up, then...

This entire evening and the ensuing week have been a shot in the arm. These kids don't need to accept anyone; being embraced, trusted and even sought out from within this disparately-talented, intelligent group thirty years my juniors is a charge and a compliment. Being acknowledged for a contribution I make when I am in such a low and fractured state of mind is just a little bit...astounding.

I suppose I'm stronger than I'd realized.