Sunday, March 1, 2009

Week Eight / Day One

Perspective.

I have begun to discern the difference ... the nuanced difference ... between the deep, profound and painful separation from someone so dear to me and the deep, profound and painful separation from the entire rest of my life.  

Ah, Enlightenment.

When, late at night or in the bright glare of day, that deep loneliness would rise to envelope me; I have been labeling it with the name of The Man I Miss So Much. That's a lot of pressure to put on one, precious thing.  I am seeing, now, the myriad striations of the Entity that is Loneliness. Separating each from the others - or beginning to do so - is making each and all easier to appreciate, evaluate and in time even eradicate most of them...I believe.

I have relocated many, many times in my life. Including my childhood, the longest I've lived anywhere has been the twelve years in Manhattan, preceded closely by the eleven years in San Francisco. Prior to that, including the house in which I was born (well, the house in which my parents lived when I was born), I lived in eight different towns before I was eighteen. Since graduating college (having studied on four, different campuses, including a floating one), I've lived in seven more cities; all prior to Melbourne. So, there's been some movin'...

Each time I've moved, except for the-longest-year-of-my-life in Orlando, I've moved to a place where I had friends, already in place. Not since leaving for college have I arrived somewhere, knowing absolutely no one. Hm: that might explain some of the sense of dislocation and separation I feel, on regular occasion.

Intellectually, I know that much of this will pass; and, I am beginning to believe that this is true. Much of it...and the other, I think I will come to learn to be able to live with without it becoming so often debilitating in it's effects. Separation from some things...one person...I doubt I'll ever find myself completely at ease. Thus, we enter the realm of trust and faith and allowing things to be as they are until one can once again hold One close in one's arms.

Wow, the drugs are really kicking in, this afternoon...

--------------------------

I understand things are more and more grim, back home, with respect to the economy and people losing their jobs...that things are likely to get a little worse before they get better; but that, in the opinion of most, Better doth loom on the horizon. I hope so.

All the more reason, though, for me to be glad I am here, and very glad to be working at something at which I am good and for which there is a need. With each passing week, it becomes more clear that this is a time of portent for my company. Unique opportunities are surfacing, rapidly and regularly; opportunities which the company can embrace, due to the fact of my presence and the ability to secure the projects and deliver them above expectation. I think, by the end of this year, that we will be in a position of very healthy growth.

Speaking of job loss; I heard a new term, last week. I was interviewing a woman for a position with our company, and she was explaining that Friday was her last day at her former position: that her position had been "disestablished." Damn! That sounds pretty complete, as though the position had been erased from history!

It isn't all the proverbial bed of roses, at my company, though. In fact, I'm seeing the bloom begin to fade in one area, in particular. As things in the office began to get rocky, and at a critical juncture, I did finally pull out The Olde Kile. Once.

There was a time, as some may recall, when "forceful" or "aggressive" might have been seen as my modus operandi; but, I tread much more softly, these days... This is something which, I think, may have come with the confidence that I actually do know what I'm doing and am exceptionally good at it...I don't really need to prove or force anyone to accept it.

Meanwhile, in all things, I shall be striving for Patience and Clarity.  Light a candle for me...