Sunday, April 19, 2009

Week Fifteen / Day One

Well, here's something I'd never seen, before now... It's probably fairly difficult to read, but the little sticker on the orange says it's a "Product of USA". (The stars and stripes on the label probably gave y'a clue.) While I believe I have seen "product of Florida" stickers, before; I don't recall seeing stickers such as this one. And let me say that these are delicious oranges, selling like hotcakes; the grocer can't keep 'em in stock.

I'm so proud! Actually, it is a bit of a hit to see such a label, out there for all to see, used as an enhancement to a product's marketability. They like us, they really, really like us...

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So, I'm back a week from the US and only just now recovering from the travel to NYC and Pittsburgh...what felt like a six-day flight to JFK, three, brief nights in NYC, two in Pittsburgh, two more in NYC and another 20 hours back to Melbourne. A virtual marathon, yet ultimately worth every moment of stress, sleeplessness and "sitting," twisted in a coach seat on Qantas. My poor spine.

Professionally, the CASE Keynote in Pittsburgh was a great hit. The feedback I received and am continuing to receive from the Development Professionals in attendance has been universally enthusiastic in the embracing of the methodologies I've shared and exploration of ways in which they can be applied to specific projects and programs of these institutions. It is simply great, great, great to be a part of reinvigorating people in their careers; helping them to get excited, again, and enjoy new commitment that generates as perspective opens.

Bottom line: much applause and no one walked out. I consider that a success...

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Personally, this trip was pretty wonderful. Being in NYC reminded me a bit of how I feel when in San Francisco. The place is intimately familiar, I know my way around, I can run into someone I know at any moment, I have a long and evolutionary history in that place, made contributions to the city and the city to me, and each city will always be a part of me. I could return, there, as I could to San Francisco: both cities are fundamental in having contributed to the man I have become...am becoming...will become.

I was fortunate to have timed this visit such that I was able to spend a session with what was my weekly men's therapy group. These men and the man who counsels us (as we also counsel one another) offered me a critical lifeline during one of the darkest times in my life, some years back; thus, will forever be a part of me. Being surrounded by these men of clarity who care for me while withholding neither criticism nor praise in their support of perspective and personal growth, even for that one evening, was a nurturing gift...as is every experience, with them.

Intimately, I will say only that the experience of my nights, there, have made my days, everywhere, far brighter. While there is no mitigating the pain of separation, I have now had my first experience of reunion after absence; and that experience was good. 

I found with this visit what I had been afraid to hope to find: what I feared might be absent or lost was present in abundance.

I am learning much about myself, through all of this...and I am learning to trust.

When I lecture and teach my methodologies for creation of experience, the first tenet I address is the Exploration of Assumption. What the audience may be assuming and, more importantly, what we - as creators of experience - may be assuming. There is a parallel, actually, in personal life and relationships, I believe. It is the spectrum of assumption concomitant with the carrying of baggage from previous relationships that can derail the most promising of new things. Recognizing this and cleaning out that closet; experiencing what is happening now as Now; taking things at face value, believing in the new phenomenon and entering what exists, step-by-step, may well be the only way to fully realize possibility.

...there is no rush when one is living in the Now and trusting things to be as they are.

So, I returned to Melbourne in a bit of a New Place. I was able to release a massive amount of anxiety - a subconscious burden I had borne for months. I have been able to see New York in it's new context with respect to me, and I am able to see Melbourne as a place not only more familiar, but as the place I need to be to build the future that awaits. I can make, and am already making, a positive difference, here; (most of) my ideas and approaches are welcomed and accepted as something to "give a go." And, as that go is given, I am delivering good results.

While things are grim, at home in NYC; things, here, are not quite so bleak. ...and, in that context, all the years of working within limited, non-profit budgets of which I have complained (ad nauseum, I know) now come to serve me in creating experience that can yield results beyond historical expectation in this new place. 

I'm appropriately located, just now.

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Physically, though, my bod has fallen apart. I think that the stress and angst from the pending move to the move itself to the awful, awful separation to the relocation to the disengagement to the having of no life and being cut off from Love and from my own personal history - I think that all that had been being kept bottled up. When so much of that tension was immediately relieved and released, on arrival in New York, I think my body sort of said, "Fine, then, stand back; I have some processing to do..." and WHAM: I have been beset by what has been described by my doctor as one of the worst cases of a certain skin and nerve-ending inflammation he has ever seen.

Holy COW, thie is a painful affliction...and ugly; two weeks later, it remains far from healed. When the doctor asked if I'd been under any undue amounts of stress, lately, and I burst into tears AND laughter; I think he had his answer. I'm probably lucky he didn't put me in a straitjacket. 

I thought this sort of affliction only happened to old peop....never mind.

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At lunch with #1, last week, he shared with me that he had been prepared for me to return to Melbourne at the end of the trip and tell him I needed to return to the US; that I couldn't do this. Acknowledging the magnitude of the upheaval under which my life has gone in coming here; he was ready for me to be reminded of how much it means to me, what is there for me in New York. He knows what I left behind, and he knows why I went to NYC and not only to Pittsburgh; and he said there would have been no hard feelings...but that he very much hoped that would not happen.

I find this profoundly sensitive and caring.

My return to Australia has been important and impactful for him, for me, for our partnership and for the company. In truth, it did not cross my mind to not return; I do know, intellectually, that this is the best place for me at this Moment. Accepting that, emotionally, has been the more profound hurdle. Ergo, the gentle and wonderful surprise, for me, is how much better I now feel at being here. Even more so when I appreciate that it has actually been only fifteen weeks...

Though the nights can seem so, so long; I know in my heart that they will pass, one by one, and these arms will, again, be full.