Cogito...

These days, as I move through the City, I perceive the fringe somewhat differently, now... One never knows the backstory of a person carrying a bag of possessions down the sidewalk; what brought him to this place, this situation...from what sort of life might s/he come...how recent the Fall? I take care to look people, especially these people, in the eye as I pass; with at least a Howdy or Howrya Doin' to acknowledge presence...existence.

I'm lucky in that, though I am carrying my clothes from place-to-place and living a transient existence, I have a nice briefcase, an expensive Mac, dress well and carry my things in a good-lookin' gym bag. Professional Camouflage.

Too, as the vagrant musician moves through the subway car playing his flute and guitar or singing doo-wop, I am more inclined to reach through my camouflage to drop a bill into the cup. I may not look like the financial failure that I am, but I cannot hide behind that fortunate facade. Rather, I want to reassure this passer-by that the world knows he's there, and that he remains a part of it. ...at least, as far as I'm able to offer that sense of Being.

So much pain in the world.

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So. I got hired. I was offered a part-time position in the iconic retail establishment of an even more iconic computer company. I've spent the past three days in Training for the job, and have four more days in store, in-store, before I start interacting with shoppers.

It happened damn fast. My CV was submitted by a friend of mine and within three days I was in a First Meeting. Leaving that meeting, I was told I'd probably hear from them within two weeks...and I heard from them that night. Met the manager of this store two days later, and started training four days after that; a week from First Meeting.

What can I say; the company knows quality.

There is much potential for growth within this company, and advancement can be fast for the right person. I see strong and productive possibility in the area of teaching and training for them, going forward, and have my sights set on moving into Corporate and Marketing if and as I build and clear my path.

For the moment, though, this is a part-time, minimum-wage position. My monthly take-home will just about cover my Health Insurance costs; so I'll be continuing my quest for projects in my oeuvre for which I can charge actual, respectable, professional fees and do work that excites and inspires me. The upside of this job is that I'm around scores of young people, daily, have a place to be on a regular basis and am representing a product in which I fully believe.

The pitfalls around which I negotiate include the fact that I am a good ten years older than anyone in the store. By that, I mean ANYONE in the store, and as low on the proverbial totem pole as one might be. Ego must be completely set-aside as I watch the others watch me. I wonder, though, what is thought: who is this old guy, why is he here, what happened to him that he'd be here, selling our stuff...?

I expect I'll surprise a few with The Experience of Kile, as I get up to speed and interact with these young, vibrant minds; working with younger people on my teams has always been a significant part of the exhilaration and thrill I glean from my own work. It's just that the team has gone from being My Team to me being on The Team...at the lowest level.

This is a lonely, lonely process; one in which I find I must dig deeper and deeper in order to remain strong and on an even keel. This reservoir runs dangerously close to dryness, cycling through each passing day and week. I find myself, still, awash in despondency from time to time; wrestling with senses of shame and failure, loss and doubt...toward a future that carries no guarantee of succeeding with this quest to rebuild a life and no assurance that the life I'm striving to build...to resuscitate...will be there at the end of this struggle.

While I keep my professional options broad and open to possibility with a willingness to follow the road(s) that open to and for me; personally, I am deeply and irrevocably invested in the outcome I seek. I spend too much energy in Hope. This is neither secure nor healthy, but there I am.

My trust wears thin, yet there is no option but to move forward.

...ergo sum.