Betwixt and Between; Poised and Ready...

The Holiday Gauntlet, this year, has been particularly rough, as might be imagined. 'Tis a rough time for everyone, certainly; other than the occasional corporate mogul, I suppose...and even those of that echelon probably see themselves as deprived in some way that seems real to them.

Deprivation, suffering, hardship are all relative; most people live with some level of fear and sense of struggle...though I do rather fail to have sympathy for the sleepless nights of many at the top of the food chain... At the same time, remembering this can give me my own healthy perspective on where my difficulties and trials put me on the broader spectrum of travail.

There are many, far worse off than I.

Is the affect, though, more profound when one has tasted success, then been hurled to the bottom of the hill? Are those who have always lived in the valley, in virtual shadow, and are aware that this is privation and hardship - yet have only an academic sense of A Better Life - somehow better off than one who has Seen the View from nearer the Mountaintop, then been removed to that Valley?

Possibly. I'd say quite possibly.

I grapple with believing that there is potential for positive result from my situation, and with knowing that I actually have absolutely no guarantees. My reality is that my life is a shambles; no financial security, no place to live nor resources to secure one, most of what I own in storage in Australia, a future in grave doubt, a part-time job in retail that doesn't come close to covering even minimal monthly expenses.

This can put a lot of pressure on the One Thing I believe I do have, here...

Though I thoroughly enjoy sharing the elegant systems of these computers with customers, take great pride and enjoyment in helping people understand and find life-enhancing solutions in these machines and am increasingly treated with respect by other staff and most of management, the simple fact of my being there remains a powerful drain on my energy and residual optimism. Though I envision a leap to Corporate and marketing for Pomme, I am repeatedly told that this is a transition the possibility for which is virtually nonexistent.

Meanwhile, the list of phone calls and inquiries sent unresponsively into the ether continues to grow as I seek Position or Project. I haven't been successful in even getting a meeting. Perhaps it's the Holidays; perhaps not.

The fact is that it is quite possible that this fall from upward momentum may well not reverse. There are days when this brings me down, so low...

Then, there are those days, or moments within days, where I am able to set aside the Darkness and appreciate each moment for what it is. Walking to the Laundry, encountering a slightly bewildered and timid-looking map-holding couple on the street and asking if they could use directions, hearing their clipped and halting English as they ask how to get to the Guggenheim, asking if they are from Italy, seeing hints of a smile, "si...," then watching their smiles bloom as I respond, "benissimo; parlo un'pocchino d'Italiano, penso che posso aiutarvi..."

Laughs, smiles, directions, and they're on their way; and I finish my trek with my own genuine smile on my face from this Random Encounter...only one of many to be experienced as one keeps one's eyes and heart open to such opportunity.

-------------------------------

I know that I am wealthy in the light of experience and friendship and with respect to talent and skill. Is the latter of any value when it cannot be exercised? Must I shelve my suite of skills, now, and live a simpler life, devoid of Creating? Will I die, a well-told story with an empty ending?

I have made a thousand bad decisions in my life ( and that is, perhaps, a conservative estimate) remaining fully responsible for the life I now live. The decisions were mine, made and results reaped. Ironic, that my instincts for reaching in to stir and move people are so resonant while my judgement of who to trust so often off the mark. I think, sometimes, I have evaluated from what is possible rather than what is probable.

Creating from what is Possible yields the most compelling experiences; doing business from what is Probable, trusting partnerships and Life Decisions from what is Probable might well would have been the Safer Path.

That being said, had I operated from what is Probable, I would quite likely never have had the opportunities to realize Possibility that I have had the great fortune to become engaged and with which to have been able to deliver with force some of the dynamic and compelling experiences I have had the opportunity to manifest.

I spend a lot of time in this Room...me and Dr. Doubt. A lot of time.

Perhaps I've realized all the good stuff I'm to create, here, and now have other things to learn and to do; other lessons to learn. Though, I think I'm the sort of man who could learn just as well from a position of strength, security and self-confidence than from a position of scarcity and doubt...

Either way, I'm not going anywhere, anytime soon.
And, by the way, this current roof over my head is no longer available, after the 5th; so I am hereby putting out the call for the proximate house-sitting engagement, with this missive.

Aiuto, per favore!?

Happy New Year to Us All; 2010 looms....