[Tuesday Evening, October 20]
Wow. So this is where my life has led. Nine forty-five on a Tuesday night at Starbuck's; watching them mop the floors in anticipation of the ten pm closing and wondering where I'm going to sleep, tonight.
This is not where I expected to be. When I moved 250,000 people to silence on the Washington Mall, or compelled 50,000 to their feet at Yankee Stadium, when I brought rooms full of millionaires to weep in reverie of Stanford...or through any one of the experiences I have been fortunate to have conceived and created, the messages I have been empowered to articulate, over the past 30 years...I had an entirely different idea of how my life would play out.
I thought I was building a body of work...a career.
I am perplexed. I possess powerful people skills and herculean work ethic, am a wonderful storyteller with deep reservoirs of compassion that I can articulate and communicate, I carry a fire and passion for what I do and possess a talent for engaging and moving people with a fierce commitment to truth and integrity in my work and always strive for the best possible result. These seem to me to be Good Things, qualities for which there would be a desire, a demand; to which there would be value realized for clients and value added to my quality of life.
I think, though, that some of these traits I have considered assets may not always be or have been the positives I might have thought.
Else, what am I doing here, not knowing where I'm to sleep, tonight?
I think I may have done this all wrong. Perhaps I should have bent more when vision was resisted, settled for less quality in my execution, withheld truth and candor for short-term gain rather than striving to enlighten others to what is possible. It would have turned out better for me, had I held out for the big bucks, done no favors, not been so assertive in supporting what I saw as The Right Thing to Do...even though it was The Right Thing to Do. I should have looked to the long-term, seen to my own needs first...taken a traditional career path.
I've given so much away...SO much. I marvel, sometimes, at what people will ask of a Creative Person for free. Even "friends" - those who would never consider asking a doctor for a diagnosis or a dentist to check a molar over lunch - will ask for creative ideas for their own companies or agencies without batting an eye; "...perhaps you could write a little something; a paragraph or two to share with my board...?"
I've always given. What a Fool.
This sounds bitter. Let me think; ah, that's because it is a little bitter...
I do have offers of places to stay, many who have offered to put a roof over my head. Friends have offered condos in Ft. Lauderdale, entire homes in Greenwich, bedrooms in Marin and San Francisco, Los Angeles, Portland and Seattle...but naught in New York. NYC is where I need to be. I need to be based here, at least.
As a Californian of the New Age, I have for years embraced the Pay it Forward and Put It Out to the Universe philosophies. Bunk? Perhaps Barbara Ehrenreich ("Bright-Sided," "Bait and Switch")* is absolutely right. No such thing. (Yep. Bitter.)
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[Thursday, October 22]
In any event, I did finally find a place to sleep, on Tuesday night. Wandering the subways was averted...
This was made very clear to me this morning. Up to today, I was deeply low; had been for weeks. On the subway downtown after the gym, yesterday, I realized that tears were running down my cheeks and I hadn't even been aware of it. My sense of self and self-worth has become degraded; my anchor-less existence seems to have completely undermined all forms of stability. Moving from place to place, day after day, is fundamentally and profoundly draining...it just takes everything from one.
I know there are others even worse off than me. I can't imagine how I'd handle anything much worse. My strength is sapped. No wonder the truly homeless wander the streets and shout. How else to assert one's existence, one's Being-ness, when one has no imprint?
I have irons in the proverbial fire across the board and nothing is materializing - even the Temp Agencies want my CV, then send a form letter saying "...due to the volume of mail we get..."
It's draining.
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One of my "irons" involves a series of informal conversations I've been having with an international agency about an impending anniversary and what might be done to commemorate said Moment. We haven't even begun to speak specifics, yet, and I'm not even close to being hired....yet. But suddenly, in the wee hours of the morning, what I would call The Idea dropped into my head, fairly full-blown. It is a fantastic idea.
My mind works best, this way; I take in all the information and just let it simmer in the background while going on about my business (presuming I HAVE any business). Then, at some random moment, an approach or concept will materialize like that, and I can see just how a project or experience can be planned and executed. All that needs to be done, then, is write it up and share it with the client for shock and awe...further development and execution. Of course, there's always the possibility that the client won't think it's as fantastic as I think it is...there's no accounting for taste.
Nonetheless, the immediate dissipation of the cloud bank that had been obscuring my energy and motivation for the past few weeks was startling. I sat up, wide awake, simply excited at the prospect of developing and articulating this concept, and my day only blossomed from there.
Right now, that's enough for me...
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[Friday, October 23]
Scratch that; it's not enough. Yesterday's High had dissipated by evening, and I awoke this morning even deeper in this Black Hole than before.
I got to the gym, this morning, stopped and sat on the side, finishing my coffee... As the caffeine was to have been taking effect, my spirit faded and sank lower and lower. By the time I'd finished the coffee, I was so depleted that it was all I could do to get out of there without simply bursting into tears. Workout cancelled, I made it to the subway before the eyes once again began to leak... Jesus, this is endless.
Right now, if I focus on this concept I plan to present in a week, the energy begins to return. As I work on the volunteer project I have accepted for my professional association, the gears turn and the synapses fire and creativity flows with appreciable result. I must focus on this.
I can't give up. I want to. I can't. But, I want to.
What I know is that if I compromise my principals and don't succeed any better than I have, to now; I'll have nothing. If I hold to my principals, at least - win-or-lose - I'll have my principals intact. Will that be enough, at the end of the road; how far 'til the end of the road?
When all is said and done, I need to find comfort in having my own integrity; in knowing that I have done good work and can do more...whether I have that opportunity or not. If I compromise my principals, thus my product, then I can't stand behind it and call it The Best. I believe this; though, I glean no comfort from it.
Comfort. At least I have a pair of arms to whom I can go for succor. There is that.
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"...if you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; be honest and frank anyway.
-Mother Theresa
*(full Ehrenreich titles: "Bait and Switch: The (Futile) Pursuit of the American Dream" & "Bright-Sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America")
Principles are like fresh produce in NYC; tough to find in the big city...but oh, so nourishing.
ReplyDeleteAfter all you've done for me...I hate that you are going through this, Kile. I absolutely support your ferocious attachment to principles and integrity. There is a Cole Poter song in here, somewhere -- they can't take that away from [you].
Thinking of you...
Doug
Yoo hoo!!! Kile!!! I have two Filipino boys staying with me at my apartment right now rent free. I am helping one establish his footing here in NYC and the other is the grandson of a lady who mentored me back in the very early eigthies when I was this boy's age. He is going to school at Fordham. That is why I am not offering you space as my abode currently is FULL.
ReplyDeleteHowever, just so you know, after my move from LA, with a total of EXACTLY $280.00 to my name, I was in your EXACT position too from Labor day 1988 to the first week of the New Year 1989 when I finally did get a studio in 173 St. and Hillside, Jamaica Queens.
I remember what I did in those three months that I slept in a friend's boyfriend's couch was A LOT OF PRAYING which I suspect you are doing and have been doing as well.
For my first three months in NY it seemed like nothing was falling into place and my host was doing all he could to keep subtle his antsi-ness about my being an overstaying guest. But I held on in faith non the less that my prayers were being heard regardless of what was factually evident.
At some point, when totally at ROCK BOTTOM, in the middle of a meditation sitting in the Erroll Becker Chapel in St Peter's Lutheran Church at the foot of the Citicorp Building ... I consciously stopped my"prayer" mode of asking for what I needed, and simply SURRENDERED and made a willful effort to STOP WORKING ANYTHING OUT IN MY HEAD but START LETTING GO COMPLETELY and letting the universe take over: refusing to be worried at all by mathematical facts about my finance or my seemingly inevitable, impending homelessness.
I willfully, consciously ALLOWED myself be guided even if my path was being lit only one step to put a foot on at a time with total darkness all around and not knowing where I was being led - let alone "going."
...AND LED I WAS! I got led to a job that led to a person that led to another job that led to another person that led to another job that led to another and another and eventually to a person who had an apartment available at a rent I could afford with the meager amount that made, that led to meeting another person that got me the job at the Veritcal Club where I met you...
...I have been fine since despite the rough episodes between then and now... SO WILL YOU. I am very very sure of it.
Then, I made a conscious, willful effort to let go completely! From my own self sabotaging mental processes, I viciously protected and continue to protect my willful stubborness to TRUST ABSOLUTELY. I still continue to do the same to this day!
I haven't had any "...pair of arms to whom I can go for succor," for over 20 years. I have never seen more than five figures in a year of my life ever! And for the past decade, I have never seen more than $35,000.00 - there was even a year I lived on $18G TOTAL! ...Yet I live relatively decently, if not well, in zip code 10019 with two wards who are partially dependent on me for both shelter and sustenance - and I am able ...what more can I say?
I have, all my life indeed, been living hanging at the end of a string. But what does it matter? What matters to me is to WHAT the other end of my string is tied.
There is MUCH wisdom in Joseph's post. The conscious decision to not worry about tomorrow...next week...next year, and focusing on getting through one hour at a time, may produce a success every hour! I do not mean to minimize the very real financial burdens of today, but allowing yourself to celebrate survival EVERY HOUR, is legitimate.
ReplyDeleteDon't skip the gym, but increase your workout and celebrate that success. Serve a meal at a shelter and visit with the homeless, whose stories might give you another perspective on your own issues. Volunteering your time and energy benefits you as much as the agency for whom you volunteer.
I have ABSOLUTE faith in you and your abilities - not from mindless devotion, but from knowing that you are capable of anything you set your mind to doing well. Keep your standards high and don't settle for less than you expect of others. It will be worth it in the long run.