I Certainly Didn't See THIS Comin'...

Last December, in deciding to leave New York and return home to San Francisco, I initiated a process of release and relinquishing of hope and vision that I'd held close for a very long time. In long, wet sessions with my shrink, my physician and my men's group, I came to appreciate that I truly must let go of this thing. 

What stood before me to give up was the idea of what my success needed to look like, for me - where I needed to be to call myself a Success; a goal toward which I'd been working for nearly three decades and never quite achieving.

From every angle I've sought to build a career in what I have seen as the Top Level, and been repeatedly and relentlessly frustrated in that quest. So, I'd step back, re-examine my process, my approach, my own presentation of self, and approach the goal, again; only to find no toe-hold, no welcome, no entry. No work: not at the level I wanted.

With support and help from those around me who love me, I saw that the choice was to step even further back and to simply Let Go of that which hasn't been working for me for so long and turn my eye toward something else. The evolutionary and powerfully affirming success I'd been experiencing at Le Marche d'Pomme was the beacon of change that signaled to me that other possibilities do exist.

Thus: home, again. Looking West to San Francisco and the possibility of building something fulfilling  to me and of value to Le Pomme, I made up my mind to let go of it all and turn to this other thing that I do enjoy so much.

As the realities, the ramifications of this decision of departure began to take shape and I began to appreciate how deeply I'd held some things and, even more so, how tenaciously I'd held on to some of my most aspirational dreams, I experienced painful and profound grief. I hadn't expected to actually grieve; though, it makes sense that losing or letting go of something to which I'd held, tightly, for nearly three decades would open a wound...

Deeper still was the discovery of what it meant to me, emotionally, to actually leave NYC. I came upon some sharp and precious, deeply-held feelings and realized that I hadn't completely released my love for Scott. Intellectually, I had been clear...but emotionally, I could now see - or feel, rather, or fully appreciate - that I hadn't completely let him go. Leaving NYC was the Step of Reality in that process.

Before leaving New York, he and I spent some quiet, conversational time, together. The security I do have is that he remains the steadfast friend he has always been. I believe we have a bond that will not break, and that our friendship will continue to grow and thrive. I hope that I can be as good a friend to him as he has been to me; he has been, and is, eminently count-on-able.

It did hurt, though...

The past five weeks in San Francisco have been somewhat surreal. I've spent time in the Grove* as a volunteer gardener and as spectator for a festival of flagging, I've been a chauffeur for the W Hotel and the Mandarin Oriental (ironic, as I also produced the Grand Opening of that hotel back in the late '80's), I've helped confused computer owners figure out their operating systems and apps; I've applied for job after job after advertised position with nary a response...

Often asked if I'm glad to be back in SF, I can't honestly respond in the affirmative. Not feeling welcomed, I haven't felt unwelcome, either; it doesn't feel great to be there, yet it doesn't feel not great; I don't feel a part of it, and I don't feel separate from it... I knew, intellectually, that it would likely be this way. Visiting home is always a Special Occasion; returning there after 20 years, one is set to discover that the rhythms and relationships have all evolved since departure. Nothin' wrong with it, nothing bad about it; 'tis simply disconcerting to renegotiate a place and a space that was once one's own and is now something else.

What has happened is that I have found myself surrounded by some wonderful and good people: people whom I'd met and with whom I'd been acquainted, but who have reached out, now, and made me welcome in their homes and at their tables...and shared their dogs! 

More profoundly, some of the most powerful support has come from three disparate men with whom I have had a rocky if not downright volatile past. Separate and apart, each of these men have reached out to encourage me to come home, to help me to find the right position, to find a place for me to stay and have repeatedly reached out to check on my state of mind. The fact of this has been a most powerful affirmation and lesson for me...and the words spoken by each of these men in support and bolstering of me have been unasked and unexpected and startlingly revivifying.

Who knew?

So, I've been seeing a few friends, working out, writing and re-writing my CV and exploring possibilities in San Francisco and Silicon Valley while I await word from le Pomme....and wait...and wait... 

Meanwhile, I've had extensive time to spend with myself. A lot of dust has settled; I live each day with no expectation, and just keep going. 

Occasionally, with friends, I've been acknowledged for a courage that I do not see; my sense is that, as long as I'm awake and out of bed (which is difficult enough to accomplish, now and then), I may as well be 100%. That, if for no other reason than to be able to say that I've done all I can do and Life is what it is. 

My life is my own responsibility; it is turning out the way it's turning out due to decisions only I have made; chances I have taken, limbs onto which I've ventured. I blame no one but myself for where I am or am not...and, I don't actually "blame," there is no blame to be levied. It's simply my own making, my own responsibility.

Not blithe about it, I am also not angry. I am simply reticent to hope, careful with expectation, trepidatious with trust and watchful for opportunity. I am willing to allow Life to unfold before me, then choose what seems the right path or option.

Which is an interesting and peaceful place to be...because...things began to happen where I hadn't been looking...

Two weeks ago, Friday, I got an email from Shanghai. Recommended at the highest possible level by a Hero of my (nearly previous) profession, a what turned out to be brilliant person in the UAE wanted to know if I might be available to direct the creative on an exceptional and exceptionally large project. We emailed, spoke on the phone and clicked, emailed again, shook virtual hands and what started with Friday's outreach ended with me on a flight to Dubai, on Tuesday, for a two-week contract.

...which has already been extended well into July...

I am working my butt off in long, creative days and having a blast. It has been a long time since I've been dropped into a situation or added to a team that is so professional, so upbeat, so focused on the project and making it the best it can possibly be that I almost had forgotten how great that feels. Frankly, outside some of the fantastic teams that I've been fortunate enough to put together, myself; I've never seen a team this great.

To be brought-in at this level on something this big has been great; the reception to what I bring to the table has been even greater. Ideas flow and concepts bounce off one another and the process continues apace, while all of us learn from one another as we listen to one another. The respect that each member of this team shows for the others is authentic and genuine, and I'm seeing the results begin to coalesce.

Being on a team of this quality has reassured me of my own value. Each man and woman comes from a hearty background of hard work and success. I, too, have much to share, here; I do know that if we are able to realize the vision we are developing we will make some kickass history.

I don't think it is simply the individuals on this team, though; I think my experience at le Pomme is serving me uniquely well, here. Though I've always been, I believe, an inspirational and motivational leader; I think I listen differently, now. I lead differently, now.

I notice, too, that I'm not in a hurry. When interrupted, I stop and give my full attention to the interruption...sort of allowing the Universe to let me get back to what I was doing when the Universe sees fit to allow it. Meanwhile, what is before me is what I embrace, what I see, what I hear, what I address. 

There are deadlines, but there is such little value in rushing. Be Here Now.

Thus, I AM here, Now. I have no idea where this will lead, what this experience will uncover. I may return to SF in July and find something awaiting me, there; or, I may return here to lead the creative on this project if we win it. I'm sure there will be choices and decisions to make, some of them may be difficult. For now, I'm simply keeping my eyes open, remaining authentic, sharing myself with no investment in the result other than giving my best. 

That's the only way it can work. I have no idea what's next...

Meanwhile, this is one, amazing city...

When I was here in 2003, this was the most interesting building; now, it's surrounded with taller, more fantastical architecture, and what was then desert is now densely-packed skyscrapers...

and, they have TWO Chrysler Buildings...

* The National AIDS Memorial Grove www.aidsmemorial.org