[Re] New [al]

The view from my window, the day before departure…

April 30.

Arose at 5, showered, shaved and put the last things into my suitcases; making the final, Sophie’s Choices as not everything was going to fit…which of these last items could I sacrifice at this final moment? It’s easier to make these decisions at the last minute, when there is no more time for wrestling and practicality prevails.

Decisions made, zippers zipped and locks locked, a final turn of the key in the door and down two flights to the curb.

By a few minutes after 6, I was in a cab for the quiet and peaceful drive through the Saturday Morning gloaming; kept company by my own thoughts, introspective and reflective. This was the physical beginning of not the longest trip I’ve ever taken, but I think probably one of the greatest with respect to import and portent.

I leave a lot, behind, in New York: every thing that brought me there. Ambition and Aspiration, Goals, Standards I had set for myself, plans big and small, a dream or two…a love that I never thought I’d experience, again…

What accompanies me on this successive step is an awareness of what may be possible…and a calm and patient commitment to seeing through whatever unfolds in the City I call my Home.

Since departing San Francisco, twenty-one years ago, I have felt at-home, here, with every visit and have been fortunate to have returned many times in the intervening decades. Now, I arrive to live, again; Home.

I don’t know what this is supposed to feel like, I’ve never returned to a place I’ve left, really. The Debacle in Oz was so clearly a professional mistake from so early-on, and so much remained, awaiting me in New York – unfinished business, unresolved relationships, unappreciated lessons, unrealized opportunities – that going back to NYC was more retreat and reconnoiter than return. These past 18 months have been a maelstrom of enlightenment, realization, completion…

I have encountered circumstance and context both negative and positive with this last round; the lessons gleaned from each of these proving to strengthen and nurture me. Through my experience at Apple, I have learned again to work without ego…tougher, each time one learns and re-learns this, I’d venture. Yet, the almost astonishing result of being fully present, keeping oneself fully authentic, interacting fearlessly, honestly, candidly and with positive intent is a flourishing atmosphere of energy, trust and support.

Leaving Apple SoHo for the San Francisco, I was given a thunderous sendoff by the Team; the cheers and applause still ring in my head. One, wonderful guy stayed after his shift, just to participate in the clap-out. This was something given to me without asking; given to the man who’s been working side-by-side with these young men and women and whom they have come to know solely through daily experience. I am not my history, I am not my story, I am only me: and that was the person to whom they said, “fare well!”

I have 50 new Facebook Friends under 30!

And, now I am in San Francisco. The bright sun sparkles on this City from a cloudless sky. I look out, over this beauty and notice that I am neither excited nor apprehensive; simply open. The music that scores my morning walk down the hill to coffee or gym is a symphony of scurrying critters in the underbrush, the rustle and chirp of hidden birds, underscored by the nearly-silent susurration of the breeze through the evergreens...

'Tis a tad different than Chelsea.

The young man who drove across the Bay Bridge for the first time on April 15, 1979 is still in here, somewhere…evolved into and beyond the man who left in 1990 to play on a larger field. I’ve shown and learned many things on that field; won some battles and lost some wars. Integrity intact, psyche a tad scarred and ragged, heart renewed, thrumming and strong, confidence…well, a little fragile but of a piece…and at peace.

Outreach materializes from myriad, surprising places. Miraculously, some of my strongest support is coming from a few men whom I had misjudged in the past; who now reach out to me with offers of support, with ideas, with encouragement and invitations to new adventures.

So I know that, at least, I am here to regroup. My roots are in this beautiful city, my deepest self feels at home, here, among those who know and accept me…and are perfectly willing to let me know what is unacceptable! 

Love is not a tool, here; it is simply a constant.

I have no idea what is next; what will come of this move home. I could be here, forever; I could be here for less. My expectations are virtually nonexistent. Neither pessimism nor optimism cloud my view as I look forward, ready to embrace and pursue opportunity with each arising. I am at once tentative and hopeful, with feelers out, opportunities sought and nurtured, possibilities everywhere to discern, decide, pursue or pass…

Meanwhile, for the next few weeks, I see this outside my window…

And Duke, greeting me in the mornings…

It could be worse.